Hello citizens! It is I, Sara Benincasa, longtime Wonkette contributor and longer-time Wonkette commenter. I am here to tell you about my new book,Real Artists Have Day Jobs, which you can obtain via preorder or REGULAR ORDER, depending on whether it is before 4/26/2016 or after! You, garbage leftist bed-wetter, really need this book. It will teach you the way of conservative values. HAHAHA! JK! No really, it’s a lot of fun and I think you’ll dig it. It’s got funny, loving advice based on the many times I’ve fucked up and the very few times I’ve gotten something right the first time.

Trust me when I say this book is self-deprecating and goofy and heartfelt and loving and it’s not preachy or holier-than-thou. I am an actual garbage leftist bed-wetter so I have no high horse to sit upon whilst proclaiming my own genius.

I’m a dork.

I hope you are, too.

The dork in me bows to the dork in you.

There are 52 chapters in total, but some “chapters” are only a page or less. So you can read as you please, is that not convenient? Here are all the chapter titles, for you, in order.

1. Real Artists Have Day Jobs

2. How to Read a Book

3. Everything Is Intersectional

4. It Gets Better, Mostly

5. Do It Anyway

6. Put Your Clutter in Purgatory

7. When You Don’t Know What To Do, Ask a Successful Woman

8. You Can Do Magic

9. Feel All the Feelings

10. There Will Be Shit Days

11. Elect Your Own Executive Board

12. Take Care of Your Teeth

13. Quit Apologizing For Everything

14. Radical Overconfidence

15. Join the Fancy Club at the Airport

16. When You Can’t Figure Something Out, Put Yourself in Water

17. Take the Compliment

18. Go Fuck Yourself

19. Wear a Weird Hat

20. Listen

21. The Power of Being A Dork

22. Everything’s Not Alright (And That’s Alright)

23. Life Is Too Short For Shitty Friends

24. Self-Care for Women in Comedy

25. Prioritize Sleep

26. Sleep Naked

27. Ask Questions

28. Surprise! You Don’t Have To Love Your Family

29. Breathe

30. Give It Away Now

31. Abuse is Fucking Complicated

32. Make Art Like a Little Kid

33. Bridge the Gaps in Your Pop Culture Education

34. When People Tell You Who They Are, Believe Them

35. Ask For Exactly What You Want

36. Don’t Buy Into The Marriage Myth

37. Tell Your Partner What You Like In Bed

38. Gratitude is Underrated

39. Write Fan Letters

40. Acknowledge That Having a Kid Doesn’t Make You an Adult

41. A Vagina Is Not a Time Machine

42. Always Say Hello to Older People, Because They Are Invisible

43. Identify a Personal Prejudice and Educate It Into Non-Existence

44. Let An Animal Adopt You

45. Walk Your Way To A Solution

46. It’s Always Time To Play

47. Realize Your Size Doesn’t Matter

48. The Darkness Is Where The Good Stuff Starts

49. Your Normal Is Not Everybody Else’s Normal

50. This Too Shall Pass

51. Always Celebrate Rainbows

52. Look in the Mirror and Say I Love You

If these chapter titles do not convince you to purchase this book, I do not know what will! Maybe if I say, “You’re a pretty pretty baby.” Does that do it? Because you are. You really, really are.

Xoxo and thank you for being the best website dorks ever,

Sara B.