Sarah Huckabee Sanders Will Be Governor Of Saving Arkansas From Scary CNN Reporters
Here's some good news for Senator Tom Cotton: Soon, he'll no longer be the worst elected official from Arkansas, because Sarah Huckabee Sanders is running for governor, y'all. The former White House press secretary declared her inevitable candidacy Monday in a hate-filled, culture-war-stoking video. It kicks off with a fairy tale about soldiers in Iraq fawning over Donald Trump during his 2018 Christmas trip to Iraq (before they learned he thought they were all “suckers"). One soldier even thanked Sanders for her service against the true enemy, the American media.
"That soldier came over to me and said, 'Thank you, Sarah, I love the way you handle yourself. You have a tough job.' I politely corrected him and told him, 'Thanks, but I take questions. You take bombs and bullets. That's a tough job.'"
Here in reality, Sanders held press conferences every once in a while, lied through most of them, and insulted reporters like they'd shown up at her house during dinner and tried to sell her religion. She bailed on Trump in 2019, before his two impeachments and his one failed coup. Her timing is good, even if everything else about her is awful.
Sanders says she's called to higher office now because America's "freedom and rule of law is under attack." Not even a month ago, a rightwing mob invaded the Capitol on the behalf of her former boss, but that's not the actual threat facing America. It's obviously the radical left, which won't stop until everyone has healthcare and a living wage.
"I was the first White House press secretary to require Secret Service protection because of a credible threat against me."
That was in 2018 when the administration was locking up kids in cages, but the accompanying image in the video shows a police car on fire during the unrest last summer. You'll note she doesn't mention how her former boss's lies about the election resulted in death threats for Georgia election officials, including their families. It's all about her.
"We've seen violence in our streets, at a congressional baseball practice and at our Capitol. This is not who we are as Americans. To remain free, we must have law and order and resolve our differences peacefully."
Or, you know, not have so-called presidents who incite mobs. Sanders grossly claims the “radical left's solution" is to impose “government control and censorship from the top down." That's an outright lie. As comedian Michelle Wolf noted, she lies effortlessly and without shame.
Sanders insists the left's “socialism and cancel culture" won't “heal" America, even though the much-maligned "socialized medicine" would technically help you see a doctor more regularly.
"It will only further divide and destroy us."
She's two minutes into this shit and all she's done is attack people. She hasn't even mentioned Arkansas. It's like she's running for president, which I guess we'll have to worry about a few years from now.
"Everything we love about America is at stake, and with the radical left now in control of Washington, your governor is your last line of defense. In fact, your governor must be on the front line."
Because America is at war with itself! Let's party like it's 1860.
Sanders vows that as governor, she'll defend Arkansas residents from “socialism and tyranny," and a Fox News clip pops up where Bernie Sanders, Kamala Harris, Kirsten Gillibrand (!), Elizabeth Warren, and Cory Booker are baselessly accused of embracing “Venezuelan-style socialism."
She'll also support their Second Amendment right to wave guns around, as well as their First Amendment right to say dumb shit online without any consequences. Real Americans will also maintain their religious liberty, which usually just means treating queer people like crap.
Sanders considers herself a leader with the “courage to do what's right not just what's politically correct or convenient." Donald Trump carried Arkansas last year by almost 30 points, so it won't require a profile in courage for Sanders to wave her freaky MAGA flag high.
CNN's Jim Acosta makes a cameo appearance, when Sanders brags that she “took on the media, the radical left and their cancel culture. And I won." Excuse us? Did she pick up the Nobel Prize for Evil or something? She demands credit for “winning" on “tax cuts, border security, and conservative judges," and although we're sure she lied a lot while all that was going on, it's not clear how she personally helped grace America with Brett Kavanaugh and a half-assed wall.
Sanders reminds us she's human, at least biologically, with some footage of her walking in slow motion with her father, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee. After defining herself by her battles against the “far left," she has the gall to say:
"But here's the truth: As White House press secretary, I never had to worry about the far left and their allies at CNN and the New York Times defining me, because I have a creator who's already done that."
Sanders ends her pitch with her Twitter bio: "I'm a Christian, a wife, a proud Arkansan."
If she wins the GOP primary, she's a lock for governor, so we're rooting for either Arkansas Lieutenant Governor Tim Griffin and Attorney General Leslie Rutledge, who've also declared their candidacies. They're both typical terrible Republicans, but they're not Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes reviews for the A.V. Club and make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."