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Turn that poo-face upside down, Sarah.


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Our Lady Of The Mesquite Moose-Scented Denali Farts, Sarah Palin, is down in the dumps about the year 2015. But she knows you can't stay that way too long, you betcha, otherwise Russia will see you from ITS house. So everybody's got a trick to make them feel better, and as we know all too well, for Sarah, it's grifting. Won't you buy the Bible she wroted, dingbat followers of the Christian Broadcasting Network, so Sarah Palin can have a Merry Christmas and a much better 2016?

First, here are Sarah's grievances:

The real, legit, scary one.

Sarah apparently had a cancer scare this year:

"Bristol said, 'Mom, you need to go into the doctor and get that thing checked,'" Palin recalled. "She insisted and I resisted so I finally went in to a doctor and got something checked, came back, biopsy - a cancer."

"Melanoma?" Griffith asked.

"Yeah, something like that," Palin said. "Anyway, a surgeon dug it out and everything was okay."

That is for real and yr Wonkette has nothing mean to say about it. We are truly happy the doctors caught it and she was able to go merrily on her way back to ...

Bellyaching about other shit.

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For God's sake, Sarah Palin. Well, for one thing, she got fired from her "job" at Fox News, which is UNFAIR, because how can she quit a job that fires her first?

"Some things happened that I haven't talked about publicly, things like getting canned from a job I really liked, sort of out of the blue, because I called somebody out," she said. [...]

"It was just kind of a little bit of a shocker of knowing that the 'haters' are going to love this one."

Oh, those haters!  It's like Fox doesn't even understand the Palin family cycle of gainful employment/quitting/grifting/Bristol's latest pregnancy announcement/rinse and repeat until earthly death.

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And speaking of that latest pregnancy announcement, remember how just LAST MONTH, she was explaining that God has a plan, and Sarah's just so excited to be grandmoose to the latest thing to rough-house its way out of Bristol's sanctified 'gina flower? Well, apparently that was one of the "things" that was bad about this past year for Sarah, even though she has totally gotten over it, dontcha know. That doesn't mean she wasn't like, "WHAT ELSE, GOD?" when she found out.

"In the grand scheme of things, especially compared to other people going through great challenges, it was not big deal," she concluded. "All this stuff within a few weeks' time, it was one of those years. It's like, 'Okay God, what are you preparing us for this time?'"

Anyway, again, truly happy to hear the cancer thing turned out OK. The other things, pfffft, whatever.

#GodCanFixIt, and He Godsplained how to do it in Sarah's new Bible book!

Wheeeeeeee, time for the grift! It's tough to tell all your heartbreaking stories to the CBN interviewer, when your entire soul is screaming, "Close the sale, you old Alaskan snow wench!" Anyway, buy her new book, Sweet Freedom: A Devotional:

"I wanted to write this book to show people, 'Hey, you want an answer? Let me show you where it is.' I'll show you a verse that pertains to something very specific, even like taxation or whether it's right for a Christian to carry arms and defend themselves. What did Jesus say about that kind of stuff?" Palin explained.

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Perfect. It's a "devotional" but it only includes Palin-approved verses about Reaganomics and the NRA and Bristol stopping the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, by boning them.

How will this Bible Devotional Storytime Classic change our lives?

"Because God doesn't drive parked cars," Palin said. "He equips us, He provides us the answers, but he doesn't just expect us to sit on the Word and contemplate it. He's like, 'No, here's an answer for you, now go forth and conquer for the Kingdom.'"

If you sit on the Word too hard, it's like hidin' your headlights under a bushel and the car won't start and you betcha God's like "Well BEEP BEEP, Sarah, I've got places to go!" and you don't expect Him to be able to drive anywhere if the car's parked and Bristol's just sittin' there on the gearshift like such as, and who do you wanna pal around with anyway, Saul Alinsky or a Mama Grizzly? Oh, all of 'em, Katie.

Did she mention to buy her book?

[CBN]

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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