Scott Brown Elected Senator Of Pyramid Schemes
Ever since America's "sexy" senator got his bleached little butthole handed to him by Champion of the Proletariat ElizabethskiWarrenovna, Scott Brown has had a bit of an identity crisis. With his teen modeling career in the toilet, and nobody wanting him as the Senator of
Massachusetts New Hampshire Maine Vermont California Anywhere, Brown had to make ends meet repairing bikes in the perfect little photo op of North Hampton, New Hampshire.
But it seems Ole Scott's luck's finally turned around, by gum! He's stumbled across AdvoCare®, a perfect money-making opportunity guaranteed to make all his dreams come true, and you too can get in on the ground floor of this explosive new industry if you just sign right here. Does it sound like a pyramid scheme? Of course it isn't; it's only a massive pyramid scheme!
In a Facebook post sent out to all his dozens of supporters still on his fan page (oh c'mon; you forgot to cancel your Blockbuster account), Scott Brown raved about a weight loss supplement program called AdvoCare, to which Scott attributes a 42-pound reduction in weight. (Most of the fat must have come from his head.) The post even comes with sexxxy shirtless photos of fatty Scotty boy schlumping around on the beach, and exxxtra sexxxy pics of Scotty showing off just how tight those biking shorts come. Scott followed up his amazing story of weight loss through magic beans by offering his fans the chance to get in on the AdvoCare miracle too. All they have to do is email Scott Brown (itself a trial) and he can get them a special introductory price on their AdvoCare starter system.
According to the Daily Beast, Brown's pitch is pretty transparent, including the old "I've always been a skeptic until I found this tincture/pill/religion/Time Life CD" line:
Brown went on to say that “as a fitness advocate” (he’s competed in half a dozen triathlons) “I am very skeptical about many products out there,” but his son-in-law, Keith, “used Advocare products through his 8 year professional baseball career” and that was enough to convince him to jeopardize his well-being for vanity.
Me-yow, Daily Beast. But question: wouldn't a baseball player want to gain weight so he could convert it into muscle? Unless he's getting that steroid bloat, weight loss seems to be the last thing on a baseball player's agenda.
Facebook fans who took the time and energy to email Scott Brown were treated to the sales pitch of a lifetime. Along with promises to jump start their weight loss journey:
Brown is offering me the following: “20-40% off products” if I become an AdvoCare distributor; “Nutrition and Fitness guidance to maximize your results”; and “product regimens to help you reach your goals.”
What the hell is AdvoCare? Short answer: it's a pyramid scheme. Long answer: it's a giant pyramid scheme with an extra dose of shady piled on. It should say a lot about a company's integrity when their official spokesman, Drew Brees, cannot consume a single one of their products because they would kill him.
Note that "if I become a distributor" line in the quote above. Multi-level marketing (i.e. Mary Kay, Amway, Pure Romance, Mancave, Arbonne, any number of juicers and cleansers, etc.) operates on the idea that their customers sell the products. In fact the reason this pyramid-shaped scheme works so well in so many disparate markets (cosmetics, dildos, meat, dildos, juices, and dildos) is that the product is irrelevant; the money doesn't actually come from the product itself. Rather, the money comes from the poor saps who are suckered into signing up as salespeople for the company. Sure they're called consultants, associates, distributors, but it's all the same.
Upon signing up, they are required to purchase their own product with their own money, pay for their own advertising, pay for their own parties to promote and sell their products, and get next to nothing in commission on the products they do sell. The money in the scheme comes from recruiting more "distributors" to distribute underneath you, because you in turn get a cut of their profits, and a cut of the profits of every distributor that your distributors recruit. So with a ready-made email list already in place, Scott Brown is in a primo position to get him some sweet pyramid scheme saps working underneath him. Hell if these people were Moran enough to like Scott Brown, they can't be too quick on the uptake, can they?
Or he would be if he were really working for AdvoCare, and as Scott assured his hilariously angry Facebook fans:
In the comment section of Brown’s Facebook post, he wrote, “FYI I'm not a paid spokesman for them. Neither is Gail,” and in a separate post, two hours after the initial post, he reiterated, “Just as an update which I put out as a comment on the original post, neither Gail nor I are paid spokesrepresentatives for Advocare [sic].” He added, “Some of you have to relax a little bit. Go for a nice bike ride or something. Ha.”
Oh you'd like that, wouldn't you, Scott? If every one of your 300,000 Facebook fans went for a bike ride at the same time, they'd all crash into each other on the roads, and where would they come for repairs? Your New Hampshire bike shop maybe?! Oh you money-making genius!
Good on Scott Brown getting in on the ground floor of an exciting new business model with unlimited earning potential. He and Ole Man Huckabee can join forces and sell diet and diabetes pills to all the millions of olds still on their email lists. Or at least they will as soon as their fans finish printing out their emails.