Ladies man Scott Brown thinks women are terrific! He has "a house full of women," so he knows what's really important, and he cooked dinner that one time for his daughters too.

Since giving out "hero awards" to all the ladies hasn't boosted his numbers with Chick-Americans, Brown has a new pitch for all the "male, female, rich, poor, black, white, happy, sad" New Hampshire voters he's trying to woo, and this one will definitely work. Asked by Fox News mouth-breather Gretchen Carlson to respond to criticisms from his opponent, Sen. Jeanne Shaheen, that he does not have the best record on lady things that ladies care about, like health care and equal pay, Brown set the record straight:

Well, unfortunately, I’m talking about issues that people care about. And while these women’s issues are very important, I’m an independent pro-choice Republican. I always have been.

Apparently, being an independent pro-choice Republican conflicts with these important women's issues, which are not what people care about. Which actually makes plenty of sense, since, when you think about it, not caring about women's issues is part of the official GOP platform. Still, it's a bizarre way to describe himself, because we seem to remember a different era, when Brown was not so much an independent pro-choice Republican as the great nude hope of the Tea Party. But being a teabagger is so 2010. And also so Massachusetts, where he has never been from because he's always been a "phony from New Hampshire."

"And I do support contraception," he added. Those are some pretty words, but "unfortunately," that claim doesn't exactly match up with his voting record of not supporting contraception access and not being all that pro-choice. Whatever. It's the saying it that counts, right?

Plus, contrary to Sen. Shaheen's absurd claims that he voted against equal pay, that is simply untrue.

"I do support fair pay for women. Obviously I do." Stop looking at his voting record! That's not fair. Just because he voted against the Paycheck Fairness Act does not mean he is not totes in favor of women getting equal pay. He's just not in favor of any law to enforce it because, as he explained at the time, the best way to make sure women's paychecks are not extra-taxed for being women is to create more jobs. Duh. Besides, Sen. Kelly Ayotte voted against Paycheck Fairness too, and she's A Lady, so that makes it OK.

So what are the issues that matter to actual people who matter, since, obviously, health care and equal pay are not what people care about?

And while I’m talking about immigration, border security, veterans’ issues, where we stand when it comes to Obamacare, and the devastating effects of that, of which [Shaheen] supported, I’m focusing on the the things that people [sic] caring about, and those issues are affecting women and women-owned businesses and the rights of women.

Got it! Coincidentally, the issues Brown would prefer to discuss are the very issues that actually affect women, so it all works out. How convenient! It's not clear what he's talking about when he says he cares about women-owned businesses, since he voted against funding for minority and women-owned businesses, back when he was a state senator from that other state he's never been from. We're also not clear on what "rights of women" Brown is talking about, since clearly the "right" to be paid fairly is not one of those important issues, nor is the "right" to health care regardless of what your employer sincerely believe. We guess he means the right of women to get a pat on the back and an "atta girl" for being a woman? And maybe a plaque?

Obviously, Sen. Shaheen's totally unfair and totally untrue attack on Brown -- that "he doesn’t stand up for women’s reproductive rights and economic security -- is unfair and untrue because Brown just said so. It's obvious. Not that he's surprised.

"She’s trying to smear my record," Brown said. "Scare women into thinking things are not as they seem, and unfortunately it’s sad, but I get it." Well, we're not sure that pointing out his voting record counts as smearing his record. It's just sort of, like, stating facts. But Brown, who really understands women so much better than Sen. Shaheen, knows women will not be tricked into thinking he doesn't care about contraception and equal pay just because he voted against it. Not all ladies are as dumb as Shaheen thinks they are. It's not like she ever had a house full of women. Has she ever cooked dinner and sent the kids to bed? Has she ever watched a woman try to balance her work life and her home life? Pffft, as IF.

Please click to give a few bucks to Jeanne Shaheen so we can send her back to the Senate. Sure, she's only a woman, but we think she probably has a slightly better idea of what women care about than Scott Brown. Maaaaybe.

[HuffPo]