Scott Brown Has ALWAYS Been 'A Phony From New Hampshire'
Sweet baby pink-swaddled Jesus, this has got to be the best worst introduction of a candidate you are supposedly supporting in the history of everything. Be right back, we have to go have these split sides stitched up.
At a campaign stop on this primary day in New Hampshire -- Scott Brown's last chance to persuade Republican voters that he has always loved the Granite State, which he has always been from, no really, it's true -- Chris Sununu, spawn of the state's former Republican governor, John Sununu, and someone who should probably brush up on his public speaking skills before he tries to further pursue his own political career -- made this oh-so-compelling pitch to those who might still have lingering doubts about Brown, who moved to New Hampshire all of two seconds ago, after being so unceremoniously fired by the voters of Massabqhatevwr, shhhhhh, let's not even talk about it, that's all behind us now.
This, dear readers, is how young Chris chose to persuade the gathered crowd that his Republican candidate of choice is the best option for Republicans -- of the state of New Hampshire, since Brown requires that kind of clarification:
Someone came up and said, "Hey, you know, I'd love to meet Scott." ... He said, "I always thought Scott was kind of a phony from Massachusetts." And I said, you gotta sit down with him, because -- he sat down, they had their little conversation, he walked away. You know what he said? He goes, "That guy was -- he's not a -- he's a phony from New Hampshire that just happened to live in Massachusetts for a little while. He's more New Hampshire than most people we have in New Hampshire."
He just happened to live in
Massa that other state for a while, where he just happened to run for Senate, but while he was just happening to represent that other state, he always had lust in his heart for his true love, [insert state name here].
This is kind of the same, though far less artful, argument Chris's dad tried to make on their friend Scottie's behalf earlier this year, when Big John said Shaheen is the real carpetbagger because she wasn't even born in New Hampshire, unlike Brown, who also wasn't even born in New Hampshire, but, like, he's less not-born-there than that random stranger Shaheen, who's only been the governor and a senator from New Hampshire, which shouldn't even count:
She votes with Elizabeth Warren. She votes with [Massachusetts Democratic Sen. Ed] Markey. She is the third senator from Massachusetts,” Sununu told supporters at the Portsmouth rally before introducing Brown. “Scott’s happiest days as a young man were in New Hampshire. …So it’s going to be great to have a senator that was born virtually in the state of New Hampshire. Jean Shaheen [sic], by the way, was born in Missouri!”
Of course, we rather like Chris's novel approach. Sure, Scott Brown might be -- or, okay, definitely is -- a gigantic phony, but at least he's our native gigantic phony. And his canoe has always had New Hampshire plates!
Brown is actually expected to win his primary, and in the general race against incumbent Democrat Jeanne Shaheen, there is a greater-than-zero chance that (ugh) he could actually win that too. But wow, it sure seems like he's doing everything he can, with lots of help from his with-friends-like-these-who-needs-enemies "supporters," to convince New Hampshirites that he's kind of the worst choice they could possibly make. He recently insisted that, unlike his time as a senator from
Massa that other state that shall not be named, where he was "working each and every day to create jobs," he has no such intention if elected this time around because, dummies, "I am not going to create one job, it is not my job to create jobs. It’s yours."
And then there was this SUPER awkward moment, when Brown managed to turn off local lady Republican Janice Leahy, who was actually considering voting for him until he gave her a "Women For Scott Brown" plaque and announced that he was "pleased to award Janice with a Hero Award," which confused the hell out of her since she's not actually a Woman For Scott Brown, does not consider herself a hero, isn't exactly thrilled that Brown voted against an equal pay bill when he was still the senator from Shhhhh, and, come to think of it, "I do think it’s the coolest historical thing that we have full female congressional delegation."
Nice going there, Scott. Sure is a mystery why the women of New Hampshire haven't exactly fallen in love with you yet. Maybe if you personally hand each and every one of them an award for being women ... nah, that probably won't help either.
Oh well. If Brown somehow mysteriously manages to lose in November, there are still 48 other states he can always have virtually been born in.