Screw The News, Let's Watch Hillary Clinton And Andy Cohen Gossip!
Chris Cillizza probably thinks this means she's running.
OMG IS SHE RUNNING? YOU GUYS, WE THINK SHE'S RUNNING, CHRIS CILLIZZA APPEARED TO US IN A DREAM AND SAID SHE IS RUNNING.
Or maybe Hillary Clinton is doing promo stuff for the new docu-series "Hillary," which dropped today on Hulu. And yeahwe know , there are some people out there who think Hillary Clinton should just not talk, and yeah, we know all those people should go eat a bag of dicks covered in too much hot sauce.
Point is, she went on the Andy Cohen "Watch What Happens Live" show last night, and it was super fun. (SHE'S RUNNING.)
Our favorite segment was when Hillary FINALLY told the truth about all the rumors about her, confirming that she Pizzagated the Clinton Body Count with her emails in Benghazi and that she WAS NOT ALONE that whole night. Or maybe it was some other rumors they talked about, we do not know, we are just teaching the controversy.
For instance, Hillary DID adopt an alien baby in the early 1990s, and he did "graduate from a really good school." Did she throw Bibles at Bill Clinton's face? No, but she considered it. And she SAID A CUSS about the White House Correspondents Dinner on the night of the Bin Laden raid, but you will have to watch the video to see which one it was:
Our second favorite segment is when she answered a viewer question about that time Newt Gingrich's mom told Connie Chung Hillary is a "bitch." She said she invited Newticles and his mom to White House, and they came, with Noodydoody's "then-wife," mmhmm yep, she said that, anyway, point is, she killed them with kindness and Newt Gingrich still sucks:
Here is the clip where Hillary is asked a bunch of questions and she's only allowed to "Plead The Fifth" to one of them, HAHA BET THE FBI WISHES IT TRIED THAT TACTIC! But she answered all the questions, huh, weird, WHAT IS SHE HIDING? (Emails, probably.)
In this clip, Hillary talks about which candidates she's been talking to the most, and which ones the least, and which one not at all (Bernie). But she says "absolutely" she would meet with him if he reached out, so there you go, Hillary Clinton had a chance to say something mean about Bernie but she didn't do it (this time).
Here, Clinton talks about how it was just fine and badass that Nancy Pelosi ripped Trump's State of the Union to shreds with her bare hands:
And this is just a great and long after-show bonus time segment, and she and Andy Cohen talk about ALL OF IT. They talk about the Hulu documentary, they talk about how she handles people who are totally mean dicks, how she handles regret, and how she handles her liquor (better than you). And then there's her experience as a lawyer during Watergate, and her favorite person who's ever made fun of her on "SNL" (it is Kate McKinnon and also Amy Poehler). She said she even likes watching "SNL" when it makes fun of her, because she thinks it's funny . Imagine having thick enough skin that you can laugh at yourself, instead of spending your Sunday morning rage-tweeting about it.
Oh yeah, and she talks about what we will probably see in Trump's tax returns, if we ever get them: 1) that he's not that rich; 2) just how awful he is at "charity," which is why he's no longer allowed to have "charity"; and 3) allllllllllll the weird foreign money sources, probably. She says it will be a "cornucopia" of bad shit!
Like we said, it is a long segment.
YouTube www.youtube.com
Fun Friday TV time, everyone! Remember to watch the "Hillary" documentary on Hulu! No, neither Hillary Clinton nor Hulu paid us to say that! But they are free to send a check after the fact!
Now join hands with us and pray that nothing else important happens today, and also next week, because we much prefer writing about dumb, fun bullshit that isn't terrible.
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If I had a dollar for every Bro who spat "if Hillary was a REAL feminist, she would have divorced him" at me over the last four years, I'd be able to retire.
And thanks to the overwhelming fatigue from listening to these assholes mansplain feminism to me (and get it wrong), I really need to retire.
Hillary would have called Mitch into the Oval Office and said "Don't fuck with me, Mitch".