Sean Spicer Hoping Jesus Will Rig Dancing With The Stars For Him
Sean Spicer made his debut last night on Dancing With The Stars ... and, well, it was something. It sure was something. Something that will probably make your eyes bleed.
There were bongos involved, and a shiny, ruffled chartreuse shirt.
He moved across the floor, sort of, to the ironically salsa-esque sounds of the Spice Girls' "Spice Up Your Life," jerking his arms to and fro as though he were made out of friable asbestos, as his female dance partner worked tirelessly to make it look as though whatever he was doing, it was on purpose. Which felt a lot like a metaphor for something.
It is the least sexy and, indeed, the least spicy, that salsa has ever been — to the point where I felt terribly for his wife for a moment, before realizing that she is probably also a monster.
Behold, this is what it looks like when a man who previously dedicated his life and career to helping an idiotic orange blobmonster kick Latinx people out of the country attempts to do salsa:
Sean Spicer's Salsa – Dancing with the Stars youtu.be
It was bad. It was very, very bad. Particularly compared to Dawson's Creek's tango, which, if we are honest, was a bit of a panty-dropper.
But instead of wishing to be judged by the audience at home for his salsa skills alone, Spicer and his buddy Mike Huckabee — father of his replacement at the White House, Sarah Huckabee Sanders — have decided to turn this reality show into a ridiculous culture war thing and would like people to vote for him not because he deserves it, but because it is what Jesus wants and because it will piss off "Hollyweird." Sort of like affirmative action, but for rich white Republican men!
Now, I am an atheist, but "Vote for me on 'Dancing With The Stars' to show how much you love Jesus" actually feels a tad sacrilegious to me. Am I wrong? Besides, if you're gonna double down on Jesus to win a talent competition, you better go big or go home. If he makes it to the next round, I want to see something more like this:
Jesus on Wheels- Denise Richards www.youtube.com
Of course, Spicer is not the first former Trump acolyte to demonstrate his incredible lack of rhythm and inability to move his body in a normal human way on live television. That honor belongs to Rick Perry — who, even after being eliminated, returned to do some kind of horrific War on The War On Christmas thing with Vanilla Ice.
Vanilla Ice Performance - Dancing with the Stars www.youtube.com
I don't know if I can think of any Trumpists, ex or otherwise, who would not be extremely terrible on a reality dance show? My best bets would be on Scaramucci and Kellyanne Conway, the latter only because I just don't think you become that kind of bitch without ever taking ballet. The former because he just seems like the kind of guy who would try to make up for what he lacks in other areas by being good at dancing. I am very familiar with the type.
Still, there is a part of me that actually does kind of hope that Sean Spicer stays on for at least a few more weeks — by will of Jesus or not — because I think we all deserve to see him humiliate himself a little more.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse