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Hey Wonkers, happy Sunday afternoon! We hope you are full of brunch and joy and whatever else you like to be full of, dicks probably. So it's time to count down the top ten posts of the week, aren't you excited?

We will count them down in one second, but first we need to ask you a very important question about whether you will give us money. Will you give us money, $5 to be exact? Why? Because Wonkette is good, Wonkette is nice, Wonkette doesn't punch down, and just generally Wonkette is the best. And being the best costs money! So won't you help us keep doing exactly what we're doing, by throwing us $5? It is a bargain to love us so much.

WE WILL WAIT WHILE YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT.

(still waiting)

Okay, now that's out of the way, here are your top ten posts of the week, as chosen by science. If you've already read them, read them again!

1. That story about the big scary earthquake that's going to destroy Seattle and Portland maybe! That was your number one story, and despite the fact that some dorks kept saying it was "fearmongering," it turns out that the science in the source article, despite being "a little Hollywood," was very good. So everybody panic!

2. Wonkette had to write a nice letter to Gawker, to Wonk-splain some things.

3. Why is Planned Parenthood selling your unborned fetus parts for scrap? Oh wait, they are not doing that.

4.The state of Tennessee has some great advice about how drunk driving is bad, and also it's bad to go home with ugly girls for sex.

5. Did you survive Jade Helm week?

6. Despite his bluster, young Donald Trump was too much of a pussy to fight wars for America.

7. Scott Walker threw his hat in the ring, as the next asshole who will not be president.

8. Sarah Palin Iran bad Obama bad let's build a wall something something you betcha you betcha word salad the end.

9. Oops, Maine Gov. Paul LePage is accidentally turning his state into a feminist paradise, and it's because he's bad at being governor!

10. John Boehner just knows Barack Obama stoled all the rain from California, to give it to Iran.

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette!

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Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups, the Bernie Sanders t-shirt right below this paragraph, and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Okay, now we are very tired and are going to go spend the rest of Sunday napping probably. See you Monday!

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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