Sen. Tom Cotton Appalled How John Kerry Went To Iran To Crucify Jesus

Wee young Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas, who seems to be under the impression he is president of both U.S. America and Iran, is making opinions with his mouth again. Because see, Barack Obama and John Kerry went to Iran and said, "Hey, would you like to bomb Israel and the United States, because you are Iran and you have started so many wars in the past few decades, unlike the United States and Israel, nations that are fainting flowers, too shy to start wars?" And Iran said, "Can you stop crippling our nation with sanctions and let us save a little face here, if we promise not to make nuclear bombs?" And Obama and Kerry replied, "Only if you promise to do nuclear war to everyone," and a deal was made. At least that's the wingnut version of it, we think, because they are very stupid, scared people.

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And Cotton knows from reading Pop-Up Bible that Kerry's deal-making in Iran is just like that time Pontius Pilate crucified Jesus, probably with Kerry's personal friend Biggus Dickus:

Cotton made the comparison over "side" deals between Iran and the International Atomic Energy Agency. U.S. National Security Advisor Susan Rice acknowledged the so-called agreements, which accompanied the Iran nuclear deal, on Wednesday. [...]

Cotton blamed Kerry, saying he "acted like Pontius Pilate" for agreeing to the side deals while "knowing that Congress would not get this information unless someone went out to find it."

Now is that what Ambassador Rice said about the side deals, or does she need to say it slower for the Arky yokel hick boy? This is what she said:

“We’re satisfied with [the side deals] and we will share the contents of those briefings in full in a classified session with the Congress,” Rice said. “So there's nothing in that regard that we know that they won't know.”

You see? The nice ambassador lady will tell you everything you want to know, Sen. Cotton, if you will just sit still in your chair and stop showing the other children your penis.

Of course, the story of Pontius Pilate ordering Jesus's crucifixion isn't exactly about a whole bunch of side deals, and Cotton would know that if he would stop looking at the pictures and read the text for a goddamned change.

But we must remember that the baby boy senator from Arkansas fancies himself an expert on Iran, as evidenced in his behavior since negotiations began. Let's take a Wonk down memory lane, shall we? (Get it? That was a pun!)

  • Tom Cotton sent a love note to Iran in March, just to let them know about how Barack Obama isn't really president, and OBVIOUSLY the next Republican president will throw whatever "agreement" they come up with in the trash. This was an embarrassment to America, and hilarious to Iran.
  • It didn't work out all that well for him.
  • But then the backlash started and Cotton tried to be all "IT WAS A JOKE, why does nobody get my jokes?" He just wanted to teach those Iranians how a little thing called "The Constitution" works, because he's blissfully unaware that the U.S. American Constitution does not apply to Iran, WUT?
  • This all put Iran in the position of claiming the moral high ground and saying, "Oh what a pity, look what America has turned into, the poor things." IRAN!
  • Then mean Democrats were like, "Hey, Tom Cotton, if you would like to send pictures of your penis stump to Iran, please to be doing it on your own stationery, which you pay for, and not on America's dime."
  • But forget about a "nuclear deal," Cotton thinks it would be more easier to do war to Iran anyway.
  • Or barring war, at least get on Twitter and start a fight with the Iranian foreign minister about who's better at the U.S. Constitution. Of course, the Iranian foreign minister won that Twitter fight HANDILY, which, again, brought shame to America, and it was all Tom Cotton's fault.

And now here he is again, embarrassing himself and America, by opening his mouth. Arkansas voters, this is your fault.

[Huffington Post]


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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