Senate Republicans Spent Their Sunday Being Dicks To Ted Cruz
Everyone hates Ted Cruz, right? Right. And his Republican colleagues in the Senate are no exception:
Cruz, a Texas senator who is running for the Republican presidential nomination, drew the ire of his colleagues for claiming the top Republican in the Senate lied to him. He accused Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (Ky.) of going back on a promise he claims McConnell made to him about the contentious Export-Import Bank.
It turns out there there is some rule for senators about how they are not supposed to be dicks to each other on the Senate floor: Rule 19, which, as Sen. Susan Collins explained, "is very clear that no senator is to impugn the integrity of another senator." Apparently, calling the Senate majority leader a liar impugns his integrity, or whatever, and also, Republicans like McConnell much more than they like Cruz. So they all took their turns speechifying about what an immature rule-breaking dick Cruz is. Here's Sen. Lamar Alexander, kicking Cruz in the nuts:
“You learn that in Kindergarten: You learn to work well together and play by the rules [...] Another thing you learn in Kindergarten is to respect one another."
YEAH, Ted Cruz, go back to kindergarten and learn how to be at least as mature as a five-year-old! And how to play nicely, and professional-like:
“I think it was a violation of the rules,” said Sen. Thom Tillis (R-N.C.). “It’s not how you treat a colleague regardless of how you feel.”
Sen. Orrin Hatch gave a 12-minute speech, in which he was like, "You are a dumb asshole, Ted Cruz, and everybody knows you're just trying to get attention because you're running for president, and nobody likes it, and you suck." Or words to that effect:
"We are not here on some frolic, or to pursue personal ambitions," Hatch said. "We serve the people, not our own egos."
Hatch didn't stop there, adding Cruz's "misuse of the Senate floor must not be tolerated."
"We must ensure that the pernicious trend of turning the Senate floor into a forum for advancing personal ambitions, for promoting political campaigns, or for enhancing fundraising activities comes to a stop," he said.
Cruz insists he didn't do anything wrong, and also YOUR MOM, and why is everyone persecuting poor Cruz just for speaking The Truth?
Cruz shot back that his speech on Friday was consistent with Senate decorum because he was speaking the truth.
"In a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act," Cruz said, referencing a quote often attributed to author George Orwell. "It is unlike any speech I have given in this chamber, and it is one I was not happy to give."
Then just about all the Republican senators said in unison, "Christ, what an asshole!" But there was one guy who was like, "Yeah, Ted, buddy, I got your back." That would be Utah Sen. Mike Lee, who once told a great story about how he found "rancid" chocolate pudding at a salad bar -- yes, a salad bar -- and that is a metaphor for what's wrong with America, somehow. He's real smart.
Lee introduced an amendment to repeal Obamacare -- because the thirteentheth time is a charm? -- but that was blocked. No matter; he says he will do it again on Monday, and then all the other nine days of the week. Great job, Utah, you picked yourselves a real winner there.
Lee also introduced an amendment to defund Planned Parenthood, which Republicans are pretty excited about doing, and they're already working on it lots of different neat ways, but later, after they finish yelling at Ted Cruz.
In response, five-year-old Cruz said he is none too pleased "to see the so-called Republican leader" work in evil cahoots with Democrats to secretly help Planned Parenthood do all the abortions with taxpayer money, and also to keep Ted Cruz from being president, which is clearly untrue, because Cruz needs no help in that department, he's doing it all on his own.
We are neutral on the issue of whether McConnell is a liar (he is), or Cruz is an egomaniacal jerk (obviously), or who pissed in whose cornflakes this morning. You nice kids work it out amongst yourselves. We'll just sit back and enjoy watching you eat each other alive. Mmm, delicious.