Fox News's Shepard Smith did that thing on Monday that he has to do all the freaking time: He looked at the camera and attempted to debunk every piece of bullshit his Fox News coworkers have been yelling about in 30 seconds or less, because he's the only one at Fox News HQ who isn't huffing paint, apparently. This time, it was about Donald Trump's announcement that he would be sending 5,200 troops to the US-Mexico border to FIGHT THE HORDES OF MEXICAN MIDDLE EASTERN TERRORIST CENTRAL AMERICAN ISIS CARAVAN PEOPLE WHO ARE RIGHT THERE AND ALSO AT GRANDMA CAROL'S LAKE HOUSE IN MINNESOTA WATCHING "THE HAUNTING OF HILL HOUSE" ON NETFLIX.

Or, you know, the caravan of migrants who are over 1,000 miles away, many of them women and children, who may or may not ever make it to the US-Mexico border, as they are on foot, and who are running away from gangs and poverty to try to legally apply for asylum in the alleged land of the free and home of the brave.

Over to Shep, and his slow, calming tones for Grandma Carol:

The migrants, according to Fox News reporting, are more than two months away. If any of them actually come here. But tomorrow is one week before the midterm election, which is what all of this is about. There is no invasion. No one is coming to get you. There is nothing at all to worry about. When they did this to us, got us all riled up in April, remember? The result was 14 arrests. We're America, we can handle it.

Dammit, Shep! How many dollar bills did you have to put in the Fox News "I said the truth" jar this time? Do you need to borrow some lunch money?

After Shep made his statement, the Fox News Bullshit Clock restarted with a guest saying the caravan is coming to a town near you and it's bringing LEPROSY. And then Donald Trump went on the Laura Ingraham White Supremacy Funtimes Show for an interview, and Fox News's bullshit levels were officially recalibrated.

But God bless Shep Smith, seriously.

As for what's happening at the border, Trump explained to Ingraham Monday night that it is an "invasion," and he can tell because he's really good at figuring out how big caravans are and whether or not they are an "invasion."

Trump is full of shit. Trump is trying to do his own poor man's version of a Reichstag Fire to trample on people's rights in advance of the midterm elections, because he and the GOP have literally nothing else to run on besides xenophobia, racism and pant-shitting fear, because they are such fucking failures by every other measure.

As for the details of Trump's surely very big-dicked order to send troops to the border, the 5,200 on their way will join 2,000 National Guard troops already there. Meanwhile, most sane estimates say the caravan (that isn't anywhere near the border) has between 4,000 and 7,500 migrants in it, with Mexico saying the group has shrunk to about 4,000 people, while wingnut New Math puts it at more like 14,000, because that number makes them pee down their pantlegs in fear a lot more than 4,000 or even 7,000 does. So by our quick back-of-the-napkin calculations, that means that if the caravan was even at the border (which it isn't), the ratio of troops to migrants would be either 2:1 or 1:1. What, does each and every refugee get her own personal US military life coach/guidance counselor/study buddy/prom date?

It's hard to overestimate how much Trump is wasting the military's time right now:

"When Donald Trump deploys troops for a nonexistent threat, that means troops are not training or preparing for the fights that could be on the horizon, for legitimate threats," said Will Fischer, director of government relations for VoteVets, a pro-Democratic advocacy group. "This is a campaign ploy."

And hell, the troops aren't even expected to be acting as Trump's personal immigration policemen, but rather "are expected to aid border officials in tasks such as erecting tents, providing medical support, transporting border officials via helicopter and staffing command and control centers," according to Air Force Gen. Terrence J. O'Shaughnessy, quoted in the Wall Street Journal. In other words, this is all a big fucking show and anybody who falls for it is a fucking idiot.


Wait, that is not the point, that is Donald Trump's point. The real point is go fuck yourself, Donald Trump, and the rest of y'all better be ready to vote on Tuesday.

[Wall Street Journal]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!


Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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