Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like "LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!" have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare?

Broken-brained Glenn Beck has noticed, so he thought he'd ask former Texas Gov. Rick Perry (R-Indicted) on his show, to figure out what's made America go bonkers, embracing a whole conspiracy theory that a routine military exercise is actually a secret Obama plot to invade the sovereign nation of Texas, declare martial law, convert everyone to Muslimism, and maybebuild some secret Walmart tunnels to China. Everyone from the Pentagon to Walmart has tried to reassure them, but that has not stopped Texas Gov. Greg Abbott, Sen. Ted Cruz, and a bunch of other tinfoil hat-wearing nimrods from saying, "Well, we should probably look into it, just to be sure." But you know whose fault it is, right? It is, as always, OBAMA'S FAULT!!!

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Explain how this works, Gov. Perry, with your super-smart glasses:

Let's say that I were to become the president of the United States. I think there will be a clearly changed attitude towards that office, what comes out of that office, the messaging that comes out of that office that clearly puts America back on a course where people -- I hope people always question government. They should. Our founding fathers sent us that message, that we ought to question government. But don't question your military. Don't question the men and women who have put their hands up and sworn this oath to our Constitution and defend this country.

Aw, Christ, that didn't help, and now we have a million more questions. Like, what message would President (LOL) Perry send from the Oval Office that would convince a bunch of conservative racist conspiracy theory morons that it's OK to trust the president, now that he's not black and doesn't have a secret Muslim name? Oh, well, besides that message we guess.

Another question: When did the founding fathers ever say you can't question your military? Did they stash that one in the Second Amendment? We know how that one is Rick Perry's favorite. Maybe it's there, in real teeny tiny font.

One more final question and then yes, boys and girls, we can sniff some Quaaludes and pop some glue, to dull the pain of the burning stupid: Does Rick Perry know anything about anything AT ALL?

Like, for example, that presidents (including the one we have right now, even!) swear an oath about being real nice and supportive of our Constitution. If THAT is the reason why it's fair and right to question your government -- but not your military, which is an entirely separate entity, it turns out, that is not in any way related to the government, huh -- that's a real bad reason.

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OK, one more final question, in honor of the governor who also cannot count, and it's about his familiarity with certain real bad things done by members of our military, like murder and rape and torture, and David Sexytime Petraeus, the trillion-starred general who also swore an oath but betrayed his country by spilling classified secrets just to get some strange, and -- oh fuck it, never mind.

Sure, Rick Perry, you're going to become president, and then we'll all go back to trusting every single president ever, as long as it's not Obama. Sounds plausible.



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