Shorter Melania: I Can Be To Escaping White House Now?

Yesterday, we told you how, despite how Donald Trump is waddling around the White House pretending he didn't lose the election, there are signs he really might just fuck off to Florida sometime before Christmas and never come back. He'll still be president until January 20 at noon, of course (unless he resigns at 11 so President-for-One-Hour Mike Pence can pardon him real quick), and he probably thinks he'll be some kind of shadow president after that. But America will soon go about the work of muting him on Twitter and just letting the baby cry until it expires. (You know, unless New York state indicts him, in which case we'll get a blanket and some snacks and watch the show.)

CNN reports today that Melania Trump, on the other hand, is DEFINITELY ready to fuck off and leave. "No, Donald, I am just going out to buy gargoyle death ornaments for our family Christmas tree," she is probably saying to her husband, as she tries to sneak all the suitcases she has packed out to the car without him noticing. "My favorite store have big sale on Demogorgon-on-the-Shelf, for holiday spirit!" Does she want to go to the same place as Donald is going? Maybe. If those stories about how Melania was actually about to leave her fuckstick husband before he accidentally got selected president are true, though, Trump's next loss might be his marriage.

Vanity Fairreported the other day that Melon is looking for schools in Florida for Barron. Renos are happening at Mar-a-Lago. And CNN says way back in the days after Trump lost the election in such a humiliating way, Melania was already like "WHERE THE DOOR, FUCKERS?"

[P]rivately, a handful of days after the final state tally, the first lady tasked an emissary with discreetly finding out what was available to her in terms of budget and staff allocation for post-White House life.

Oh good, she's looking for free money from American taxpayers. That's on brand. (And NO, Melania, there is no free money for former first ladies. Get a job. CNN does note, though, that former presidential spouses get $20,000 per year in pension, but only if the former president dies. We don't have any publishable jokes to make about that factoid.)

While the President is busy figuring out a way to stay in the White House, the first lady is determining what to put in storage, what goes to Trump's New York City digs, and what should be tagged for shipment to Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida.

"She just wants to go home," said another source familiar with Melania Trump's state of mind. Asked how the first lady feels about rumors her husband might announce a 2024 bid, the source added: "That might not go over well."

That would be a good reason to divorce him. You know, on top of the way he fucks porn stars while Melania is pregnant and then becomes Individual-1 when he illegally pays them off to protect his campaign.

Anyway, poor Melania, poor, poor Melania, wanting to go home, like a common refugee child stolen from its mother at the US border. (#IReallyDon'tCareDoU?) CNN reports they're going through all the Trumps' tacky crap with their label-makers to tell the movers where to take each gauche item. We also are just wildly speculating that they're looking through the White House to see which of America's art and furniture pieces they might be able to sneak out the back door. You know, allegedly.

Melania also reportedly has picked out the official Trump administration White House china pattern, which is a thing outgoing administrations do, so we bet those plates are terrifying. (Fun fact about Melania's china usage as First Lady, by the way. CNN says for state dinners and the like, she's mostly borrowed from the Clinton china, which was chosen by CROOKED HILLARY. Wonder if Donald knows that. Also wonder if that's where Hillary put the WIRE TAPPS.)

Regarding the renovations happening at Mar-a-Lago, CNN notes that the family's quarters are only 3,000 square feet, which would be some serious downsizing from the White House (55,000 square feet) and Trump Tower in Manhattan (YOOGE). Can you ... imagine ... being trapped forever in 3,000 square feet with Donald Trump pooping and tweeting? CNN spoke to Laurence Leamer, who wrote a book about Mar-a-Lago, who says that if Trump really has a lot of money, like he swears he does, they probably should just turn the entire trash palace into their home. But he might not have enough money for that. LOL.

Melania would maybe also like to "write" a "book." They say it won't be a memoir, though:

Instead, Trump is said to be toying with writing a photo-centric coffee table book about White House hospitality history, or one perhaps centered on the design projects she has completed while first lady, according to a source in the publishing industry familiar with preliminary discussions. Trump has also reportedly done one of the final things most first ladies do before leaving office: select the administration's official china service.

Splendid! If you've ever looked Melania's Christmas Hell Houses and thought, "How can I get this LEWK for my own Christmas hell house," maybe you can now, once Melania comes out with her coffee table book of pestilence and devastation.

Oh, and she might keep doing #BeBest, because of how that's been such a success while she's been serving as the worst First Lady in world history.

Whatever happens, we just wish Melania and her husband safe travels when they GTFO. May their next chapter be as pleasant for them as the last four years have been for America.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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