Should Ted Cruz Be Able To Eat Dinner In Peace? Nope. NFW!


America's favorite talking lizard serial killer was hounded out of a DC restaurant last night by activists. Shouting, "We believe survivors!" a handful of protesters forced Texas's senator and his wife to miss their fancy dinner out in DC. Presumably, the pair went home to fire up the his-n-hers AK-47s for their usual machine gun bacon and tofu -- which is what a Harvard-educated lawyer and his vegetarian wife from Goldman Sachs eat on the regular, natch.

What is America coming to when a man can be deprived of his God-given right to a quiet dinner with his wife after a long day whoring for the NRA and taking basic human rights away from women? It's almost like they were a drunken cop, busting into his home, guns blazing, and ... ruining his night completely!

"Beto is way hotter than you"?

Well, that is just FACT CHECK: TRUE. Just ask fact-checker Ted Cruz.

So, no, no one should feel sorry for Ted Cruz for getting heckled out of a night on the town. Because DC isn't Dallas, and his fake hillbilly shit isn't going to play here. You want to race bait and Jew bait and pretend that healthcare is oppressive socialism, you better expect residents of the District to call you an asshole when you show your face in public. Especially when you are Ted Cruz and literally everyone HAAAAAATES you. Here's NYT's conservative columnist Bret Stephens this morning discussing the junior senator from Texas.

Because he's like a serpent covered in Vaseline. Because he treats the American people like two-bit suckers in 10-gallon hats. Because he sucks up to the guy who insulted his wife — by retweet, no less. Because of his phony piety and even phonier principles. Because I see him as the spiritual love child of the 1980s televangelist Jimmy Swaggart and Jack Nicholson's character in "The Shining." Because his ethics are purely situational. Because he makes Donald Trump look like a human being by comparison. Because "New York values." Because his fellow politicians detest him, and that's just among Republicans. Because he never got over being the smartest kid in eighth grade. Because he's conniving enough to try to put one over you, but not perceptive enough to realize that you see right through him. Because he's the type of man who would sell his family into slavery if that's what it took to get elected. And that he would use said slavery as a sob story to get himself re-elected.

Otherwise, you might say I'm his No. 1 fan.

Harsh, but true. No one associated with this baby-snatching, pussy-grabbing, gun-humping, poor-hating, race-baiting shitshow should ever eat a meal in peace again.


It's entirely possible that flashmobbing protesters will actually help Ted Cruz get re-elected in Texas. So Beto O'Rourke, who presumably knows his own voters, condemned it immediately.

Making the Zodiac Killer look like a sympathetic victim of crazed antifascists might actually motivate his base in deep-red Texas to get to the polls. Which is why the lizard man took advantage of the situation to tell the protesters, "God bless you." Do you want to win the news cycle and lose the war? Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.

Adulting is complicated! Here, let's all laugh at Ted Cruz playing basketball. Try to restrain yourselves, girls -- that manly studmuffin is all Heidi's!


Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Help your Wonkette to keep snarkin' forever. Click here to FUND US!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc