Sicko Ex-Speaker Dennis Hastert Pleads Guilty, Might Go To Jail For 5 Minutes

Congratulations, no one will ever know the details, you slime

Sooo many House speaker SEX SCANDALS since last we checked on (alleged) sick pervert Denny Hastert, the “safe” one who only became speaker in 1999, after all the other preferred choices had to run away in disgrace.

We recently lost John Boehner to that rabid monkey, and then heir apparent Kevin McCarthy was devoured by a raging caucus, with Republicans finally choosing their new "safe" one, Paul Ryan, to fill the accursed role of Republican House speaker.

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But what news of Hastert? In federal court in Chicago Wednesday, Hastert accepted a deal in which he pleaded guilty to a single felony charge of evading federal reporting requirements for withdrawing hundreds of thousands of dollars at a time to give to "Individual A."

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As we learned back in May, he was indicted for violating banking rules and lying to the feds about the $3.5 million in hush money he was paying to "Individual A" to cover up "prior misconduct" -- which we eventually from learned from feds eager to leak the details was Hastert's alleged sexual abuse of a minor when Hastert was a high school teacher and wrestling coach in Yorkville, Illinois.

[contextly_sidebar id="2cYEKlcalO4PJ49gUG9x74zYVZ3y9EAF"]The surviving sister of another victim came forward in June to accuse Hastert of having repeatedly sexually abused her late brother, and it's quite possible that there are other victims out there as well. None of which we'll ever know anything about, thanks to the plea deal, which allows Hastert to avoid a trial in which details of all that "prior misconduct" would probably have become known.

Hastert initially claimed he was merely withdrawing enormous amounts of cash because he didn't trust the banking system, a story federal investigators found unconvincing when they failed to uncover any big vault of coins to swim in.

In return for the guilty plea on the banking charges, a second charge of making false statements to the FBI was dropped.

During Wednesday's hearing before U.S. District Judge Thomas Durkin, no details about Individual A or Hastert's misconduct toward him were given; Hastert merely acknowledged to the court, "I didn’t want them [bank officials] to know how I intended to spend the money... I withdrew the money in less than $10,000 increments." You know, to give to the kid he raped. Allegedly. Shhh.

So now Hastert will wait until Feb. 29 for sentencing -- Leap Day, so he won't even have to mark the anniversary every year. POLITICO explains:

The judge could sentence the 73-year-old Hastert to up to 5 years in prison and a $250,000 fine, but both sides in the case told the judge that federal sentencing guidelines call for a sentence of zero to six months in prison.

Now if we can only convince a judge to send the "Hastert Rule" away with its author, too.

[Chicago Tribune / Jeff Coen on Twitter / Politico]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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