Sing 'God Bless The USA' While 50,000 Strangers Belch Virus Into Your Mouth, At The 2020 GOP Convention!
One of the best things about the coronavirus pandemic is how it is over now. You can tell when you look at the official numbers of cases in red states, they are so low that you might wonder, "Did coronavirus even happen? And why are all the Fox News hosts still broadcasting from home, even while they talk about how coronavirus isn't that bad, after all?"
Point is, it's time to open back up, and part of that is that the Republicans need to have a convention this summer, in order to give Donald Trump a surprise by nominating him for re-election. The Republican National Convention is a special place. It's like a NASCAR rally had a baby with Ted Nugent in the dumpster behind a Cracker Barrel and they decided to never bathe the baby. And this year it might also feature an outbreak, not just of very patriotic hats, but also of coronavirus!
On Saturday, the Republican National Convention announced in a statement marking their 100-day countdown to the convention that the show must go on, and if that means Trump's inauguration speech about "American carnage" literally comes true among the 50,000 guests they say they're expecting, then, well, we imagine karma will somehow be involved. We, of course, feel very bad for Charlotte, North Carolina, which is a really cool town. We can't imagine anyone in the service industry there was looking forward to hosting these gross people in the first place, and the threat of an outbreak just is virus icing on the yuckmouth cake.
But relax, because convention CEO Marcia Lee Kelly explained in an op-ed for Fox News that they are prepping to make it safe. They, like, hired a doctor and everything, and they are being "intentional" in their planning, for "safety." Oh, and they are committed to a "five-star theme," which, if it's anything like the five-star excellence we expect from the 1970s Ramada Inns Trump calls his "resorts," it is sure to be fancy.
Kelly doesn't really offer many more details on the how of making it safe, but we are sure it'll be fine. And if it's not, oh well, it's not like anybody will die or anything, just kidding they will.
Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna ROMNEY MITTENS CAR ELEVATOR McDaniel affirmed Monday on a call that the convention will not be "virtual," though she was a bit less committal about throwing a big bug-chaser party than the official statements from the convention have been.
"It's quite a ways away, and there's ample time for us to adjust, if necessary," McDaniel said. But later, in response to a question about the Minnesota Republican Party's online convention possibly being disrupted by hackers, McDaniel said: "We will not be holding a virtual convention."
There are naysayers, of course. NPR reports that some City Council people in the very blue city of Charlotte are like "Ew David" about the whole thing, and even North Carolina GOP Senator Thom Tillis said recently that it could be "very difficult" to do the convention in Charlotte, which as the New York Times notes is the worst-hit area in the state.
Oh, and did we mention that North Carolina has a Deep State Democratic governor named Roy Cooper, who probably was in on the Deep State plan to invent the coronavirus hoax, to keep Trump from doing rallies? The convention was probably part of that grand conspiracy plan. Trump said this week that Democrats like Cooper are "playing politics" by "delaying the openings" — Charlotte still has a stay-at-home order — so don't be surprised if Cooper pulls some hinky tricks to
keep North Carolinians from dying from coronavirus hurt Donald Trump's feelings.
But we're sure it'll be fine. Maybe by August coronavirus, which doesn't exist, will have washed away like a miracle, like Donald Trump keeps saying. Mike Pence recently said coronavirus, which doesn't exist, would probably be gone by Memorial Day weekend, so that's obviously true.
As for the Democrats, they are still figuring it out too. They already moved the convention to August, and who knows what it will look like? Something tells us they might hire more real scientists to actually make it safe, though.
It'll be fine, all of this is fine, everything is fine.
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