Greetings, friends and loved ones, and welcome back to the Snake Oil Bulletin! Did you happen to catch the Annual Sportsball Faire last weekend? Both sportsball clubs sported their hardest, but one club sported the ball better than the other club, and thus became the Kings of Sportsball, hurray! But did you know who really won the day, dear reader? Why who else? Who is the King of this fallen earth; the Prince of Darkness; the most insidious, conniving, evil man to walk this sinful globe?

JFC, it's not Tom Brady, shut up. Could it be...SATAN?

Beyoncé not just anti-cop, also pro-Satan

[contextly_sidebar id="z9kBd2KYLO8eUFq9gyXOKikc9vJMZrLP"]Yes, Satan won the Super Bowl. That is the claim of a returning favorite of the Bulletin, Mario the Vigliant Christian, YouTube's sexiest sex-sposer of the Illuminato-witchcraftian-double-secret-probationary-Luciferian-Sam's-Club-Member-Satanic-Panic conspiracy! What has Mario's lily white panties in a scrunch this time? Why t'was Our Lady of Perpetual Fierce, Madame Beyoncé, and the overt Satanism she strutted across that stage at Super Bowl L (the L stands for Lucifer). Mario is so het up about Beyoncé and Coldplay's obvious worship of the devil that he didn't even notice that Beyoncé literally shot a bunch of white people in the face. THAT IS HOW UPSET HE IS! Let's Wonksplore this Christerfuck, shall we?

Breathe it in. That stench you smell is the odeur of batshit wafting 'cross the Tubes.

Mario spends the first half of his video hating on hippies, and we mean Eric Cartman + Red Foreman + Your Dad levels of hippie hate. Apparently Mario's Jesus doesn't take kindly to a message of peace, non-violence, and respect for all God's creatures. Who knew?

Mario takes especial umbrage at the symbolism used by all the hippies he has seen at Party City. At one point he incorrectly states that the famous peace sign is Anti-Christ because it's an upside down broken cross, which is just cute. Mario lives in such a saintly en-Christed bubble he didn't even check the Wiki to learn that the peace symbol actually came from the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament, and that the symbol itself is the superimposed semaphore signs for N and D, which in this case stood for "nuclear disarmament." But sure, anything not dripping with the blood of a dead blond Jew is Satanic. Let's go with that.

[contextly_sidebar id="2FXhZL5VMOouKGCvu7ZSrbVucXZdeWEZ"]Mario follows up his hippie hate by exposing Satanic imagery at the Denver airport. Wuh? We are hardly sportball fanatics, but wasn't the Super Bowl held in Santa Clara, just a sashay away from the the Modern Sodom (great band name) of San Francisco? It isn't clear why Mario veers toward Colorado in this part, but the Denver airport has been a panties-squirting goldmine for the fine loons of the world for years now. Remember that Third Eagle of the Apocalypse who read us bible prophecy porn in Fifty Shades of Grey just like Grandpa used to do? The Denver airport might as well be his common-law wife for the amount of time he spends jacking obsessing over it. Seems he and Mario will have a Mormon dealie going on, because Mario's obsession with the fair airport is bordering on stalking at this point. Yet all this belies that point that Coldplay rammed Satan right down America's throats.

Mario zooms back around to the Super Bowl to attack the show for promoting the slogan "Believe in Love." Mario objects to this because his Bible says God is love. Wouldn't that mean the show was influencing people to believe in God, Mario? NO. Anything that doesn't line-up exactly to Mario's exact strain of Christianism is Luciferian. If you just let anyone believe in "God" and "Love" all on their own without Mario's explicit oversight you could end up with splitters like the Popular People's Front of Judea, and then where would we be?

What makes Mario's insistence on ideological purity so precious is that Mario himself constantly fights off accusations from other loons of being a Luciferian apostate himself, meaning that not only is there more than one group of whackjobs accusing Lady Beyoncé of being Luciferian, but the different groups cannot agree on which strain of of their rampant Christianism is the right one because you're Luciferian! No YOU'RE Luciferian! (Or if the discussion takes place online, which it must, that's "YOUR Luciferan!")

Mario also attacks Bruno Mars for being a chauvinist who mistreats women, but makes sure to put that uppity Jezebel-possessed Beyoncé in her place for trying to be like a man when she should be home squatting out spawn. This somehow means that Mario is not a chauvinist because...?

Anywhozle, Mario rambles some more before dropping the biggest bombshell of them all. Are you prepared for this? Take a seat, because your underoos are about to be full to the brim with Christ's love. Halfway through a rambling attack against Disney's Fantasia (yeah, we got nothing), Mario reveals the biggest Luciferian cover up of all time: Mickey Mouse is actually a bunny.

Just look at the obvious signs, readers: the rounded ears, the long, thin tail, the suspiciously Hebrew last name of "M-O-U-S-E."  It all makes sense now!

We once were lost but now are found. Take THAT, Satan.

It's very strange why Mario continues to gin up outrage at these supposed Luciferian symbols when in the video previous to this, Mario noted that no Satanic symbol can hurt the born-again Christian, and thus all of this ritual is fruitless. Then why does he do nothing all day but stir up fear over this crap? Why is he fighting against what he perceives to be utterly harmless? The answer my friends is moichandising! Vigilant Christian hats, Vigilant Christian mugs, Vigilant Christian the health blog, Vigilant Christian the Bible study, Vigilant Christian the music channel, all these wonderful products designed to keep YOU safe from the rampaging Satanic hordes that are coming for YOU if you don't buy buy buy right now! All these Vigilant Christian Biblical protections and more will be yours for just a little tip in that good old Christian Paypal jar.

O-o-ohh-klahoma where the quacks go sweeping off to jail!

Do you know what topic we have not covered in a while, if by "a while" we mean like a week, tops? Quackery woo! This week we have a heaping helping of cancer scams, with one such can-scammer getting her just desserts for flim-flamming cancer victims out of their money and probably lives. Seriously, fuck this pumpkinhead lady.

The Justice Department released a statement Wednesday that Antonella Carpenter, director of the Lase Med Inc. in Tulsa, Oklahoma, had been convicted on 29 out of a possible 41 counts of fraud. For years, Carpenter ran a series of "cancer treatment" clinics in which she claimed to be using radical new methods with 100% efficacy at eliminating tumors:

From November 2006 to December 2012, Carpenter, a physicist and not a medical doctor, orchestrated a scheme to obtain money from cancer patients by means of false and fraudulent representations. Carpenter made materially false claims to patients about her treatment method called “Light Induced Enhanced Selective Hyperthemia” (LIESH), including that the treatments were 100 percent effective and there would be no negative side effects.

Who are we to question the efficacy of a procedure that sounds like a drunkard slurring out the word "lies"? What did this incredible procedure entail?

In addition, Carpenter claimed to cure various kinds of cancers, when in fact, she would inject a patient’s tumor with a mixture consisting of saline solution and food coloring or walnut hull extract. She would then heat the injected area with a laser.

Ugh. We lack the vocabulary to describe the myriad ways Carpenter can go fuck herself.

Carpenter operated her phony baloney center for years, though an FBI raid in 2012 at least temporarily shut down the business. Naturally, because the world is awful, Carpenter maintained that not only was she innocent of all charges, but that these raids were part of a widespread, concentrated medical conspiracy against her, which she cleverly named The Medical Conspiracy. Not only was it the name of her blog but it was also the name of her weekly "radio" show, though with only single digit listeners every week we hesitate to even call it a podcast; perhaps the best name is "vanity project."

Carpenter maintained that chemotherapy was suicide promoted by drug companies to kill their patients (why would that be their goal?) and that certain chemo treatments tried to increase white blood cell counts to keep patients alive long enough to make them keep using chemo. Uhh, or maybe it was to keep patients' immune systems up through what is a very taxing but necessary treatment against virulent tumor growth.

It was Carpenter's opinion that the FBI, FDA, AMA, and probably the BBC, SEC, AFL-CIO, and the NCAA were all in cahoots to shut down her operation because she was rescuing people from the pernicious taint of the moneyed health care system (though of course Carpenter still had to charge thousands of dollars for her food coloring injections because shut up). Carpenter even asserted that the Grand Conspiracy's goal was to shut down her rinky-dink little podcast recorded in what could only be the Ladies' room at Arby's. Quoth the damsel:

Obviously, even with the very limited audience, my show must have rubbed the wrong way some special interests, because in five years three radio stations had to close down, supposedly due to financial problems. Does anybody see a pattern here?

That lunatics are bad at balancing their checkbooks? We see that pattern.

Naturally her supporters are incensed that their beloved Pumpkin Noggin will no longer stalk the hall, shoving food coloring into people's bodies and patching them up with a lightsaber. She couldn't even do that for several years because as revealed by an adorable Change.org petition the authorities seized all her lasers! Those fiends! Don't they know it's the right of every Galactic citizen to defend themselves against Rebel scum? It's right in the Galactic Concordance: The right to bear blaster rifles shall not be infringed! How does the FBI expect the Great Pumpkin to scam people now? Blow on the injection site really hard?

Oh well. All's well that quacks well. Take a sec to drink in the delicious tears of Carpenter's cult. It should tell you something about their readership that they feel the need to point out

Pay no mind to the fact that thirteen is six more than seven, and eight more than five.

And 7 8 9, and there are four lights, and if Shaniqua has ten apples and Libby takes five what is the maximum amount Shaniqua can sue for in small claims court? IT'S A CONSPIRACY!

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

  • You know what tastes great after a long day of summoning Satan and stomping on police officer faces? Red Lobster!
  • Were you there for the moment a star was born? Come read the chronicles of the Wonkette Baby and her first television spot giving the side-eye to Morning Joemika. Today New Hampshire, tomorrow Hollywood!
  • The big stwong militia have finally packed up their toys, stuffed away their dildos (but where??), and gone home to face a very cross Federal Bureau of Investigation. Oooooh, they are so groundeeeeeed.
  • Come watch the rotting corpse of democracy fester like an elephant carcass in the sun. You bring the booze; we've got the roulette bullets all covered.
  • Remember where you were when Antonin Scalia died? Probably not, because all you would have noticed is the sun shining a little bit brighter and the ground beneath your feet getting just a little bit hotter.
  • The Wonkette card game kickstarter only has eleven days to go! Which of you beautiful, sexy people doesn't want to bring American greatness back to America in order to great the America great again? DO IT FOR AMERICA!
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