Donald Trump makes this face when he has a 'faulty mic.'

One of the most difficult things about watching Monday night's presidential debate was how every three seconds Donald Trump was like HONK! and SNORT! and SNIFFLE! and sucking gnarly mucus bits up inside his brain. Like, has somebody checked on his health lately? Because for a man of his age, who, according to Dr. Oz, is kinda porky, and whose skin is so thin you can practically see all the weak, disgusting organs inside his icky wrinkle body, those sniffles could mean something. Something BIG.

Trump tried to explain it all away on "Fox & Friends," like a common Hillary:

No, no sniffles. You know, the mic was very bad, but maybe it was good enough to hear breathing," Trump said on Fox & Friends Tuesday morning. "But no sniffles. No cold."

Earlier on the Fox show, Trump even suggested that someone had purposely tampered with his microphone.

"I had a problem with a mic that didn't work. My mic was terrible. I wonder if it was set up that way on purpose," he said. "I don't want to believe in conspiracy theories, of course."

Yes you do, you stupid birther.

Anyway, let's judge for ourselves how much Trump is dying right now, of sniffles:

Yeah, we're pretty sure Trump is hiding something in his tiny hands, and that something has to be major medical problems. We visited our old pals at WebMD and used the symptom checker to find out what Trump is dying of. First you have to say whether you are a boy or a girl ("boy") and how old you are (we picked "way too ancient and crusty to be president, that's for sure!") And then you put in your symptoms, and for Trump we picked "runny nose," "drainage or pus," "difficulty breathing" and "noisy breathing." Now you might think, c'mon Wonkette, do you really think Trump had PUS coming out of his failed brain? We think it's a possibility! We don't know what's inside Trump's body, and neither do you.

According to the real doctors, this could mean many things! Oh, there are the normal things, like acute sinusitis, common cold and indoor allergens. Maybe the liar Trump was just having an allergic reaction to all the #truth Hillary was spewing in his general direction! But there are some more serious possibilities, like "foreign object in the nose." HMMMMM, what could be sticked up in Trump's sad nose? His dignity? Hillary's foot? His tax returns that show he's not as rich as he'd like us to believe?

Or just cocaine, as Stephen Colbert suggested last night:

It really could be cocaine. That's kind of how common cokeheads sniffle. And Trump was up alllllll night tweeting, maybe because of the cocaine. Does Donald Trump snort drugs? WE DON'T KNOW, WE ARE JUST ASKING.

Another possibility WebMD suggests is West Nile Virus. DOES DONALD TRUMP DO COCAINE WITH INFECTED MOSQUITOES? Sorry, don't mind us, just trying to do some journalism here.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]And speaking of journalism, we'd hate to treat this any less seriously than the chairborne, paste-eating "medical experts" who are always trying to solve the "conspiracy" behind Hillary Clinton's health. So we need to consider some other options, of what Trump is hiding.

Is he already scouting for wife number four, with his (allegedly!) shriveled ding-dong? Maybe he's been sniffling around the wrong ladies, and has gotten himself an STI that causes cocaine sniffles. COULD HAPPEN! Hey Donald? We promise they make dick-wrappers in your size, even if you have to special order them.

Or maybe, like Hillary, he is concealing Parkinson's or Down syndrome or epilepsy, and the only way he masks the symptoms is by sniffling like a coke addict with pollen allergies.

[wonkbar]<a href=""></a>[/wonkbar]OR MAYBE all his loud sniffling is actually what it sounds like when Trump cries, but his beady little eyes can't produce tears, because he has a problem with his tear ducts, or maybe he just doesn't have a soul. WAS THE BIG PUSSY SNIFFLE-SOBBING BECAUSE THE MEAN LADY HILLARY GIGGLED AT HIM?

Good gracious, we could just go on for days, trying to figure out what's ailing Frail Little Donald so, but we just remembered we don't fucking care. RELEASE THE LONGFORM MEDICAL RECORDS, DIPSHIT.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Republicans are devouring each other's carcasses, and we are here for it! Especially when one of those Republicans is King Kris of the Kansas Votefucker Klan ... errr, Clan! It's been a week since Kansans cast their votes in the gubernatorial primary, and the GOP looks to be rolling up its sleeves for a slugfest.

As we type, Kobach leads by 298 votes out of more than 314,000 cast -- a whopping 0.00095 percent, if you round up! The Kansas GOP begged Donald Trump to stay out of the race and leave the field clear for sitting governor Jeff Colyer, who took over when Sam Brownback wandered off to bring Jesus to the Hottentots on behalf of the US government. Safe bet that Colyer would be gearing up for the general election now if President Twitterthumbs hadn't flapped his yap. So thanks for that, Donny!

No, really, THANKS!

Remember the hanging chad debacle in Florida? Now picture it in a landlocked state with more cows than people. It's like fantasy island for Devin Nunes, ALLEGEDLY.

Oh, but we are to kid!

After first insisting he wasn't going to recuse from the counting, Secretary of State Kris Kobach (one and the same!) wrote Colyer a fabulously bitchy letter agreeing to hand off the tabulation to his deputy, Eric Rucker. Colyer had made the shocking suggestion that Kobach delegate responsibility to the Kansas attorney general, rather than his own political appointee, and Kobach was stretched out on the settee with a fit of the vapors at the gross impropriety of it all!

I will not breach the public trust and arbitrarily assign my responsibilities to another office that is not granted such authority by the laws of Kansas.

After several anguished paragraphs, Kobach closed by remonstrating that Colyer was betraying his office by destroying the faith of Kansans in the sacred integrity of their electoral process.

As governor of Kansas, your unrestrained rhetoric has the potential to undermine the public's confidence in the election process. May I suggest that you trust the people of Kansas have made the right decision at the polls and that our election officials will properly determine the result as they do in every election.

Said the guy whose entire adult life has been dedicated to whipping up panic about millions of imaginary illegal alien voters.

So now these two princes can kick the crap out of each other WITH VOTES, specifically, provisional ballots cast by unaffiliated voters under the supervision of poorly trained poll workers. Kansas holds closed primaries, meaning only registered Republicans can vote to select the GOP candidate, BUT an unaffiliated voter can cast a vote by checking a box identifying as a Democrat or a Republican at the polling place. This was news to some poll workers, who mistakenly directed over one thousand unaffiliated voters to use provisional ballots without checking the box indicating party preference. Whoops!

So, will those provisional ballots be counted based on voter intent? Or tossed based on strict interpretation of the statute? And does Kansas law mandate tossing mail-in ballots that arrive without a postmark on Wednesday, since there's no forensic proof that they were mailed before midnight on Tuesday? And how disgusted will the Kansas electorate be when one of these assholes emerges from the melée holding the other one's scalp? And how many millions of dollars are going to be spent on litigating the Republican primary while this nice lady Laura Kelly, the Democratic minority whip of the Kansas Senate, is out campaigning for November?

Even before this debacle, Kobach looked significantly weaker against Kelly than Colyer, with self-funded Libertarian Jeff Orman threatening to throw a wrench in the works. The Wichita Eagle reports on a Remington Research Poll conducted in July:

In a Kelly-Orman-Kobach race, the poll puts Kelly and Kobach effectively in a dead heat — 36 percent for Kelly and 35 percent for Kobach, with Kelly's lead within the margin of error. Orman has 12 percent.

Colyer leads in a three-way race with Kelly and Orman, according to the poll. In that scenario, Colyer receives 38 percent of the vote, while Kelly gets 28 percent and Orman receives 10 percent.

Which is ONE POLL, in a deeply red state, but ... Kobach is a crap candidate who's likely to emerge from this fight with two black eyes and a pissed off base. If there's anyone who can blow this election, it's Kris Kobach.

Keep fighting, Kris! You can do it! (And now we need a shower.)

And YOU need an OPEN THREAD!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Money us, PLEASE! Throw a tip in the jar, or click here to keep your Wonkette snarking forever.

[Kobach letter / Wichita Eagle / Mother Jones / Kansas City Star]

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While most people spent this weekend telling Nazi punks to fuck off, a couple 11-year-olds were in Las Vegas hacking into voting machines. Why? BECAUSE IT'S FUN!

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