So You Think You Can Be An Al Qaeda? Show Us What You Got.
The Obama administration dumped some documents on Wednesday related to the raid in Abbottabad, Pakistan, which SUPPOSEDLY resulted in the many-shots-fired-to-the-face killing of Osama bin Laden, if you're willing to believe the lamestream media. Seems the administration would like to poke some holes in Seymour Hersh's fantastical tale about what REALLY happened that night. For instance, Hersh claimed that, despite official reports that the SEALs pilfered a treasure trove of documents from bin Laden's compound, they really didn't get much at all, maybe a few issues of Highlights For Children and a scuffed-up copy of the first season of Friends on DVD that the world's greatest terrorist picked up at the Taliban's annual yard sale.
One of the fun documents they found (ALLEGEDLY) is an actual application to be in al Qaeda, translated into English. You know, in case you wanted to apply for a job there. Let's find out if you qualify to do jihad!
First you write in your name -- and even your nickname, if your jihadi mom always called you "Scooter" growing up -- and then answer these questions:
It's good that they're asking how long you're going to be around, because you just never know if you're going to get in there and go "whoa, this is way over my head, I'm just gonna go and get an MBA." And we trust that they use the hobbies/pastimes section to help with group assignments like birthday parties and team-building exercises. "Let somebody else lead the trustfalls, because Mahmoud plays the violin so beautifully, let's make him do the music!"
"Exactly how much help will you be, in planning our suicide bombing operations? Are you going to be a team player, or are you just going to sit around on Facebook waiting to be told to martyr yourself for Allah?"
Our favorite section is the last page, where you get to explain why you want to do jihad, if you have any friends in al Qaeda -- because it's easier to make friends when you already know people! -- and whether you would like to die:
Hahaha, "Did you have any trouble finding us today? We know, the interstate sure does turn into a bottleneck during rush hour! And of course, leave us your emergency contact info, in case we use you to inflict death to America!"
Anyway, good job application, you terrorist fucks. Clearly it helped you find some winners, and by winners we mean LOOOOOSERS.