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Congratulations, Ted Cruz! Whether you want it or not, you now have an inspiring Rap Anthem to help you become not-President, even if you're more into country music because that's where the polling is the genre that helped America most after 9/11. But don't fret: even though it's not your preferred genre, this rap song is loaded with enough rightwing argle and bargle to fill a whole tea party rally's homemade signs.


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There are a couple of things about this video that are Not Awful. The singing is on key, for instance, and there are no distracting visuals to weaken the impact of the lyrics printed on the screen. And because it is mostly inept rapping, there's virtually no annoying tune to get stuck in your head, sparing listeners the agony of a Ted Cruz Earworm. Also, the torture ends after only four minutes, and it's far less likely to make you feel like you're on the brink of death than waterboarding or any song by Iggy Azalea.

Of course, there are some downsides, like the lyrics and the lyrics and the lyrics. This is an anthem that scoops up a bunch of rightwing talking points, drops them into a blender, and spits out semi-rhyming crap like this, all to a fine drum-machine backing:

It's like we're back in the late seventies

Labor force is dead, emboldened enemies

Can you hear the voice of Reagan,

saying the fed is not the remedy

The banner's in the air

for the conservative ascendancy

America, these are perilous time,

but there is meant to be

A remnant of the righteous

to exempt us from our penalty

When power is concentrated

centrally and federally

It creates dependency

that's medically like leprosy

Catchy, no? And so we are urged to "Make D.C. listen, switch off the dead news / The lamestream media feeding us the Fed stew" and once we have cleansed our minds of "Collectivism, everyone’s a victim like the Reds do," we'll all see the light, "And for our next president, we’re all in for Ted Cruz."

Weirdly, Ted Cruz got unsolicited support from something calling itself rap, while Hillary Clinton has so far escaped any campaign damage from that terrible generic country song "Stand With Hillary" from a few months back, or the 2012 Rick Santorum fan song that rhymed "again" with "Reagan."

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The band, which ought to be vaporized by Dr. Manhattan for calling itself "We Are Watchmen," also has an exciting web page which explains that they aren't merely a band, but a "movement that uses music and message to mobilize American Christians to civic duty. Music. Message. Movement." They are not happy with the fact that, in U.S. America, Christians have been too disengaged from political action, which is why the world is headed to hell in a handbasket, just like you-know-where back in you-know-when:

Just as many churches in Germany sang louder on Sunday mornings to drown out the sounds of wailing Jews in boxcars on the way to the concentration camps, the majority of pulpits and pews in the American churches have been willfully ignoring the stench of blatant evil rising in this once godly nation.

We weren't aware that singing loudly enables people to ignore stenches, but we have little doubt that if it did, some GOP candidate would recommend it to people living near industrial plants and landfills as an alternative to job-killing regulations. We Are Watchmen's site also offers a couple other videos, with Joe The Watchman whining about how America has squandered its Christian heritage, and a merch page, which currently offers a black square (with slightly less-black text) that they promise will be an "album" someday:

Still, amateurish and stupid though it may be, this is nowhere near the abomination that 2008's "It's Rainin' McCain" was.

And for that we can be thankful.

[TPM / We Are Watchmen]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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