We don't want to write this post. We don't want to write about every belch and grunt and wet fart from Donald Trump, and we don't. It's usually not news, but rather misspelled whining from a guy who doesn't speak English very well, a guy who claims he passed a dementia test and thinks that makes him one of the world's great minds. We of course continue to write about the criminal investigations into him. That's news, plus we like it.

That said.

We guess Dr. Deborah Birx going on TV and talking about her perfect call with Donald Trump and whatever Dr. Anthony Fauci said in the same CNN documentary where Birx's comments aired, they have hurt Trump's feelings something fierce. Poor thing got a Fauci Ouchie, on his heart. And he released a statement, and we just want you to behold it with us. We do not come to rebut the words in it, mostly, because Trump really isn't worth that.

But yeah, we can read it together and maybe we'll make fun of something here and there.


"Based on their interviews, I felt it was time to speak up about Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx, two self-promoters

Fauci and Birx, biiiiiiig self-promoters.

trying to reinvent history to cover for their bad instincts and faulty recommendations, which I fortunately almost always overturned.

'Kay.

They had bad policy decisions that would have left our country open to China and others, closed to reopening our economy, and years away from an approved vaccine—putting millions of lives at risk.
We developed American vaccines by an American President

"Vaccines by an American President"? They branded like his shitty steaks or something? 'Kay.

in record time, nine months, which is saving the entire world. We bought billions of dollars of these vaccines on a calculated bet that they would work, perhaps the most important bet in the history of the world.

Trump fucked up the entire process of ordering vaccines. They literally only ordered enough from Pfizer for 50 million people.

And he fucked up the distribution.

Also he didn't do fuck to make Pfizer and Moderna make those oh my god why are we rebutting this shit, we just said we wouldn't.

Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx moved far too slowly, and if it were up to them we'd currently be locked in our basements as our country suffered through a financial depression.

Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx did not do their vaccine experiments as quickly as Donald Trump did, in his lab.

Families, and children in particular, would be suffering the mental strains of this disaster like never before.
In a fake interview last night on CNN,

So fake it didn't even happen!

Dr. Fauci, who said he was an athlete in college but couldn't throw a baseball even close to home plate, it was a "roller,"

Oh my God.

tried to take credit for the vaccine, when in fact he said it would take three to five years, and probably longer, to have it approved. Dr. Fauci was incapable of pressing the FDA to move it through faster. I was the one to get it done, and even the fake news media knows and reports this.

Dr. Fauci is also the king of "flip-flops" and moving the goalposts to make himself look as good as possible. He fought me so hard because he wanted to keep our country open to countries like China. I closed it against his strong recommendation, which saved many lives. Dr. Fauci also said we didn't need to wear masks, then a few months later he said we needed to wear masks, and now, two or three of them. Fauci spent U.S. money on the Wuhan lab in China—and we now know how that worked out.

Nope. Not getting pulled into rebutting again. It doesn't matter, because he's worthless.

Bet Fauci thought this was pretty funny though.

Dr. Birx is a proven liar with very little credibility left. Many of her recommendations were viewed as "pseudo-science," and Dr. Fauci would always talk negatively about her and, in fact, would ask not to be in the same room with her.

Oh OK, try to start a fight between Birx and Fauci, good luck with that.

The States who followed her lead, like California, had worse outcomes on Covid, and ruined the lives of countless children because they couldn't go to school, ruined many businesses, and an untold number of Americans who were killed by the lockdowns themselves. Dr. Birx was a terrible medical advisor, which is why I seldom followed her advice. Her motto should be "Do as I say, not as I do." Who can forget when Dr. Birx gave a huge mandate to the people of our Nation to not travel, and then traveled a great distance to see her family for Thanksgiving—only to have them call the police and turn her in? She then, embarrassingly for her, resigned.

'Kay.

Finally, Dr. Birx says she can't hear very well, but I can.

He has perfect ears, on his athletic and decidedly un-Fauci-esque baseball body!

There was no "very difficult" phone call, other than Dr. Birx's policies that would have led us directly into a COVID caused depression. She was a very negative voice who didn't have the right answers. Time has proven me correct. I only kept Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx on because they worked for the U.S. government for so long—they are like a bad habit!"

'Kay.

Before this, the last "newsworthy" thing Donald Trump did was bumblefuck onstage at a couple's wedding and dry-drunkenly babble about all the things that have upset him in the last year.

He's having a good week, the end.

[Boston Herald]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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