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Something Called a 'Reince Priebus' Is Your New RNC Chair

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The Republican National Committee has voted for change: It has voted for people making fun of their chairman's name. On the 864th ballot, which was sponsored by a Lockheed Martin jet, the RNC finally selected Wisconsin Republican Party chair Reince Priebus as its new chairman. His claim to fame is defeating Russ Feingold and winning the governorship of his state this past year, though he kindly let guys named Ron Johnson and Scott Walker take those jobs after the election. And here's a fun game: try to say his name one time fast. Yeah. Impossible. He has a funny name.Which is just what they said about a guy named Barack Obama. (Priebus is secretly Kenyan, is what we're saying.)


We are going to force you to watch his campaign video for a few seconds at the 1:55 point:

That was niiiice of those foooolks.

HE IS A TOUR DE FORCE.

"I'm not running for chairman because I think I'm better than anyone," he says. So he'll be worse than Michael Steele? Hooray!

Anyway, out of jealousy that this guy has two weird, hard-to-pronounce names, your editor is changing his to "Freunt Stuef."

This guy's name sounds like the name of a tart filling you order at a bakery in Europe and immediately spit out because it's disgusting. It sounds like the scientific name for a small, forest-dwelling mammal. It sounds like the three-quarters of beers you can't order at a good bar.

Here are some Twitter jokes.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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