Sorry, Bill Barr, We Will Never Not Think Of Michael Flynn As A Twice-Confessed Criminal.

After Attorney General Bill Barr's clown-ass Justice Department announced that it would be asking to drop charges against literal actual foreign agent and confessed liar-to-the-FBI-er Michael Flynn -- and probably after he got some kind of virtual Zoom snausage and belly scritches from Donald Trump for being such a good little servant donkey EEEEE HAW! -- he found a very friendly reporter to lie to over at CBS News. It was Catherine Herridge, who used to be at Fox News, and oh boy did she play a mean game of softball with the attorney general!

Barr would like us all to know that it's fine to lie to the FBI (if you do it for Donald Trump), the Russia investigation was fake and improperly predicated, and that history will look kindly upon his decision, because history is written by the winners, and if his evil un-American schemes work, he plans to be the winner, which means America is the big loser.

No really, he said that winner and loser thing:

Go fuck yourself, you overinflated Roy Cohn sex doll from hell.

Democratic Senator Chris Murphy reacted to Barr's definition of "winner":

Barr is sadly mistaken about how "history" will look upon him. It doesn't matter what he does to cover up Donald Trump's constant crimes, or the constant crimes of Donald Trump's associates; we will always remember that Michael Flynn confessedtwice to lying to the FBI and pleaded to a whole bunch of other foreign agent shit, as part of his sweet-ass deal with prosecutors that he subsequently blew up.

Barr barfed a bunch of other nonsense into Herridge's open maw. He said it was "easy" to give Michael Flynn a reacharound for Donald Trump's benefit and amusement, once he saw "all the facts." (Uh huh.) He said the FBI "did not have a basis for a counterintelligence investigation against Flynn at that stage," even though investigators at that point likely knew Flynn was a foreign agent -- we found outfor sure just two months later -- and even though former acting attorney general Sally Yates went to the White House around the same time in a white hot rage to warn them that Flynn was pretty seriously compromised. The Russia investigation was live at that point, regardless of this lying shitmouth says.

Barr told CBS's crack reporter that Flynn's sexxx chat with the Russian ambassador about sanctions relief was "perfectly legitimate and appropriate" (PERFECT CALL!11!11 READ TEHT REANSDJAKJRFIKEDJAPIOJOIJTRCRRCIP!), when the truth is that Flynn was whispering to the Russian government through backchannels, behind the back of the actual serving president of the United States, who levied those sanctions TO PUNISH RUSSIA FOR ATTACKING AN AMERICAN PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION TO HELP INSTALL ITS CHOSEN CANDIDATE.

And then Flynn lied about it, when the FBI came a-calling on January 24, 2017. Hell, he fucking told them on the phone that he knew they probably already knew what he said, since he was smart enough to know the Americans might be doing wire tapps to the Russian ambassador. And of course, Michael Flynn had been telling the same exact lie to fucking everybody in the days leading up to his FBI interview.

But no, Barr says it was all illegitimate, and that the FBI was just looking for an excuse to keep the investigation going, "and then they found out that they had not technically closed the earlier investigation," therefore they "kept it open for the express purpose of trying to catch, lay a perjury trap for General Flynn." All of this is bullshit. The new documents that just came out do not show anything like this in the FBI's prep for the Flynn interview.

And when the FBI asks a longtime military man who's held a security clearance for a hundred years a question about his secret communications with America's greatest adversary and he lies about it to the FBI, that is not a "perjury trap." It just means the person the FBI is talking to has something to hide.

Emmet Sullivan, the judge on this case who told Flynn that "arguably" he "sold [his] country out," agreed that the FBI's interview with Flynn was material to an ongoing investigation. Everyone who has looked at the Flynn investigation besides Barr and the asslicker he appointed to investigate the investigators agrees this was all on the up and up.

But PFFFFFT, Bill Barr is not even sure Michael Flynn even lied. (He lied, the FBI knows he lied, they had receipts that he lied, this is not in question.)

BARR: [I]t's on the question of materiality that we feel really that a crime cannot be established here because there was not, in our view, a legitimate investigation going on. They did not have a basis for a counterintelligence investigation against Flynn at that stage, based on a perfectly legitimate and appropriate call he made as a member of the transition. [...]

Well, you know, people sometimes plead to things that turn out not to be crimes.

And again, we say go fuck yourself. Flynn lied. He confessed. Twice. And we cannot even deal with the "sometimes people plead out" thing because it is just far too gross and we have reached our limit on that for the week.

If any of this is complicated for MAGA thumbsuckers, don't take it from Wonkette, take it from Donald Trump:

OK don't take that last part, because there was totally something to hide, same way Paul Manafort went to prison to hide secrets for Donald Trump and Russia.

One day it'll all come out.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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