Ron Johnson Creates God In His Own Total Dumbass Image

There have been versions of a modern parable going around for years now, and especially during the pandemic, and they go something like this:

There's a man in a flood and he's stuck on a roof and he won't accept any of the help that comes his way because he's a damned idiot yip-yapping on about "No! God's gonna save me, I just gotta keep praying!" Like God's gonna reach down and place him on dry land with his great big God hand.

Anyway, a rowboat comes by, and the dude says nope. A motorboat comes by, and he says nope. And a helicopter and a 747 and a bald eagle on a jet ski and a Russian submarine and a cruise ship full of lesbian folk singers and everybody else, they all come by, and the guy is like nope. And all the while the idiot is just praying for God to save him from the rising flood waters. Men on barges were throwing inner tubes at dude's face and he was like "UGH HOW CAN I YELL COMMENT CARD REQUESTS AT JESUS WITH ALL THESE INFLATABLE INNER TUBES HITTING ME IN THE FACE!"

After the rising waters killed him, he started yip-yapping to God about why he didn't get saved, and God was like "Excuse me, but THE FUCK? I sent you boats and helicopters and bald eagles and Russian submarines and an entire cruise ship full of lesbians with guitars and they literally all offered to save you. What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking fuck?"

The moral of the story is that all this science, all this technology, all this innovation, all the people who are helpers, like Mister Rogers always talked about? If you are a religious person who believes God's hand is behind all the workings of the heavens and the Earth, then all these very earthly things — for instance, science people who study science and create vaccines — come directly from God. To reject their contributions is to literally reject God's help, like some kind of ungrateful moron.

Speaking of ungrateful morons, COVID conspiracy theorist and Senate's Dumbest Republican Ron Johnson opened his gullet hole this week and said some very stupid words about godly things and vaccines:

I not only tested positive but then I tested for antibodies at a whopping level. So I had it, but I didn’t have any symptoms. How do you explain that?

Why would we automatically assume that our natural immunity would be awful? It’s gonna be nonexistent? You’d think the default position should be, if you’ve already had it, you’re probably pretty well protected.

You know, unless the science says it's not all that clear how long natural immunity lasts.

By the way, you should hear this rube asking things like "How do you explain that?" As if he's asking questions that would totally stump real scientists.

Why do we assume that our natural immune system isn’t the marvel that it actually is? Why do we think that we can create something better than God in terms of combating disease?

Fucking. Dumbass.

If you believe God created people and created the human body's immune response to having a virus — you know, assuming it didn't kill their unvaccinated asses the first time around — then it should also follow that God created the fucking scientists who have studied all their lives to create vaccines that protect people from getting sick with the damn virus in the first place.

Hey remember that time people followed the science and took polio vaccines and then polio was eradicated because of that? Does Ron Johnson think that was God's will, or that humanity just really pulled the wool over the Lord's eyes with that one?

Either God made it all or God made none of it. THEREFORE COGITO ERGO SUM IPSO FACTO, if we have "vaccine" and it is a better way to prevent dying from COVID than "natural immunity," then it makes the best sense to arm ourselves with God's best effort. Not God's halfass original effort.

Likewise, in the 2022 elections, Wisconsin voters will be able to choose between "whichever Democrat is on the ballot" and "Ron Johnson." Both technically came from God, even the barking fucking cutting room floor mistake that is "Ron Johnson," so why wouldn't Wisconsin voters pick one of God's better efforts, as opposed to "Ron Johnson?"

This has been a Bible lesson about God, in Jesus's name, amen.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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