Chuck Norris' 'Pastor' Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns


Since your Wonkettecracked the case on Chuck Norris' hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker's people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people's faces off is afraid of some dumb political joke blog. Creators Syndicate has since edited Norris' most recent column to at least credit the news sources from which whole sentences were lifted, but they have yet to take action on the new instances of plagiarism we found yesterday; those articles remain unchanged on Creators' website. Also, this should probably come as no surprise, but Norris doesn't even write these columns, from what we've found. They appear to be penned by a man who works for him, Todd DuBord, who is known as "Chuck Norris' pastor."

An anonymous tipster originally pointed us to DuBord yesterday, and it makes sense, because the man is listed as a "co-author" on Norris' recent books, and because if Norris tried to type himself, the keyboard would explode from the sheer force.

What does this "pastor" do for a living? Here's his website:

Over the past five years, Chaplain Todd has gained national recognition in his work to restore Christian revisionism and reductionism from American historic sites and landmarks. He has successfully led restorations of our Christian heritage at the Jamestown Settlement (first English colony in America) and the Washington Monument (discoveries that were broadcasted LIVE on FOX News and other news agencies across the country

Aha! Remember this Chuck column, in which "Norris" presents a first-person account by "my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations Todd DuBord"? That makes sense now! Chuck Norris doesn't hate national parks. His "pastor" does, and he wanted to tell the readers of the Norris column what happened to him at the Liberty Bell. If you look back at that column now, these lines are pretty hilarious:

Recently, my pastor and the chaplain of my organizations, Todd DuBord, was on a tour of Independence Hall


last week my chaplain received an unfortunate response letter about their grievous tour from Mrs. Cynthia MacLeod, the superintendent of the Independence National Historical Park


(You can read Superintendent MacLeod's letter in entirety at my chaplain's

My chaplain, my chaplain, my chaplain.

Though DuBord makes it sound on his website like he still serves as an actual pastor, at the Lake Almanor Community Church, we called the church, and they confirmed he left a few years ago to go into business with Chuck Norris. These days DuBord likes to dress up in an army-man costume and go to Iraq with the actor so they can pretend to be real troops.

And for more evidence that DuBord writes these things, we used an e-mail form on Creators Syndicate's Norris page under the link "Write the author." Immediately after sending a message, we received this out-of-office auto-reply from Todd DuBord's personal e-mail account:

Greetings! I'll be on a multi-month special work project and offline for days at a time, so will be VERY slow at responding to email. I appreciate your patience and understanding.

It sounds like it's very hard work plagiarizing a weekly conservative column under the assumed name of a B-movie action star! Certainly Jesus understands why his dutiful pastor has to plagiarize all the time. Men of the cloth got to make bank! Lying, stealing, and pretending you're somebody else is a very godly way to make your living.

Apparently Norris has always used a ghostwriter. A man identifying himself as a friend of the deceased writer Joe Hymans, who is also listed as a co-author of past Norris books, wrote to us to say his late pal used to do all of Norris' writing.

So, yes, apparently Chuck Norris is not capable of writing anything, even plagiarized columns.

A fine tragedy.

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NO. IT CAN'T BE! Does the Republican-led United States Senate have ... a limit? Is there somehow a line they won't cross in this era of "Let's just go along with whatever Batshit McBigMac up there at 1600 Pennsylvania says and who cares if we destroy America in the process?" Turn out the answer to that question is maybe, and the limit is apparently when the crown prince of Saudi Arabia bone saws a Washington Post journalist to death and the president and the secretaries of State and Defense lie about it to their faces.

Senators do not like being lied to, no matter what party they're in. (Unless they're Chuck Grassley and it's Trump people lying about Russia and they're dangling sweet, delicious corn cobs in front of his face. Or if it's Lindsey Graham, when Trump's mouth is open. But otherwise they hate it.)

The Senate has been holding hearings and offering strongly worded resolutions aimed at forcing Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to take responsibility for the Jamal Khashoggi murder, and also stop genociding the fuck out of Yemen and blockading Qatar and kidnapping the Lebanese prime minister and jailing dissidents, and SO ON. In short, the consensus is that MBS is out of goddamn control and needs to be reined in, yesterday.

On Thursday, the Senate followed that up WITH VOTES. Indeed, the Senate voted unanimously to blame MBS for the murder. (Right here, we are using the definition of "unanimously" that means ALL OF THEM, KATIE, because that is what "unanimously" always means.)

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CBP Photo, McAllen, Texas, June 2018

A seven-year-old Guatemalan girl died of dehydration and shock after she and other migrants turned themselves in to Customs and Border Protection (CBP) agents in the New Mexico desert last week, and that's America now, Merry Christmas (NOT "happy holidays," because this is a Christian nation, goddammit). The girl began having seizures about eight hours after she and her father were taken into custody by CBP near Lordsburg, New Mexico. Emergency responders got her on a helicopter to a hospital in El Paso, but she died the next day.

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