South Carolina Republicans Sad Elizabeth Colbert Busch Isn’t Uglier
We sure do live in scary times. Former South Carolina governor -- and REALLY enthusiastic Appalachian Trail hiker -- Mark Sanford might have wrapped up his party's nomination for the 1st Congressional District special election to replace Tim Scott -- you know, the one black dude Republicans arekinda sorta proud of because DIVERSITY! -- but that doesn't mean Sanford's victory is assured. Not when his Democratic opponent, Elizabeth Colbert Busch, has a secret weapon. No, not her moral superiority because as far as we know, she never went AWOL to have el sexytimes with her Argentinian mistress while lying to her staff and the world that she was "hiking." Nope, Colbert Busch has something even scarier than that:
“Everybody is really concerned because she’s not a bad-looking lady, she is a good speaker and she’s got some money,” said Jerry Hallman, chairman of the Beaufort County Republican Party. “In politics, those things are important.”
Oh NOES! With her "not a bad-looking lady" looks, plus also money, plus also she can talk good, she might have a chance to win?!? Who does she think she is -- some politician who never "faced ethics fines, censure by his party and divorce from his wife of 21 years"?
But not all Republicans are worried. Like this spokestwit from the National Republican Congressional Committee:
“So far, Elizabeth Colbert Busch has yet to answer any real questions about why she supports President Obama’s failed policies [...] She might be the gem of the Beltway and Hollywood liberals, but South Carolinians are going to be sorely disappointed the more they learn about her.”
That IS a pretty good point. On the one hand, South Carolinians know that their former governor is a cheating, lying sack of shit, but on the other hand, this mysterious Colbert Busch lady, with her lady looks, has not said she is sorry for President Obama existing and breathing air and stuff, so, you know, once the voters find out about that, they will obviously go with the aforementioned sack. This is South Carolina, after all. The state that voted for Newt Gingrich -- Newt Gingrich, boys and girls -- in the Republican primary in 2012. The state that is all, like, "Screw you, Yankee scum, we are going to fly the Confederate flag FOREVAH!" So if there's one place where a nice, adulterous family values Republican who voted to impeach President Bill Clinton because he got a blowjob that one time and who STILL goes on the teevee to whine about how the gays are going to destroy marriage has a chance to beat some decent-looking broad, it's definitely the state whose motto is Dum spiro spero, which is foreignese for "While I breathe, I hope." (No, seriously, it's true. We looked it up.)