The South Carolina Senate voted Tuesday to remove the Confederate Flag from the state Capitol grounds, sending the bill to the state House, and hopefully, eventually, to Gov. Nikki Haley's desk. This is very bothersome for state Sen. Lee Bright (R-No Shit), who just doesn't see why we're spending all this time talking about the Confederate Flag, not when the FLAG OF GAY HOMOSEXUAL ABOMINATION is currently flying over the ENTIRETY OF AMERICA. Bright, who is Ted Cruz's campaign co-chair for South Carolina (obviously), melted all the way down into a pile of shouty Southern fire and brimstone wingnut tears as he explained on the state Senate floor just how much God hates America now:

"I heard our president sing a religious hymn, and then Friday night, I watched the White House be lit up in the Abomination Colors!"

Obama was singing "Amazing Grace" at the Charleston funerals, and The Abomination Colors is a great name for a band.

"It's time ... for the church to rise up, it's time for the state of South Carolina to rise up. Romans Chapter 1 is clear, the Bible is clear, this nation was founded on Judeo-Christian principles, and they are under assault by men in black roaches ... robes, who were not elected by you. We better make a stand. What I'd like to see is these folks that are working ... in the positions that are dealing with these marriage certificates, not to have to betray their faith or compromise their faith, in order to subject themselves to the tyranny of five judges!"

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Now look, three of the judges who crammed gay marriage into poor Sen. Bright's throat were not "men in black robes," they were LADIES in black robes. That's right, dude. You got throatcrammed by GIRLS, and also by two boy judges.

"We need to debate this on the floor. Our governor called us in to deal with the flag that sits out front, let's deal with the national sin we face today! We talk about abortion, but this gay marriage thing, I believe, we'll be one nation Gone Under, like President Reagan said. If we're not One Nation Under God, we'll be one nation gone under!"

This is where the pussy blubber-sobbing starts. For your helpful reference, it's about 1:40 into the video. So yes, gay marriage is worse than 'bortion, we're One Nation Down Under or One Nation Going Down On Each Other or something, go on:

"And to sanctify deviant behavior from five judges, it's time to make our stand, church!"

Oh, oh, oh pick me, pick me! Sen. Bright, you're not at church. You're at "state Senate," which is your "job."

"It's time to make our stand and we're not doin' it! We can rally together and talk about a flag all we want, but the Devil is takin' control of this land and we're not stoppin' him."

We must note that on the word "want," Bright's sobbing causes his voice to break, and he sounds just like Kenneth on "30 Rock" when he gets upset and his "accent come out."

The rest of Bright's comments are the usual boilerplate bullshit about loving the sin and hating the sinner, and then some whining about religious freedom.

Seeing the wingnuts who are actually crying about this almost makes us feel sorry for them, for a split second. This is what American Family Association spokeslady Sandy Rios was all sobbing and crying about, how gays just don't understand! Gay marriage has awakened Big Mean Loving God from his slumber, and she is very afright as to what He will do next, because her God is so loving, yet so petty and sensitive! Nobody understands that God is so mad He's gonna come down to Earth any old day now and get to smitin', or maybe He's just going to send hungry Muslims to attack us, and you better be prepared when that day comes. Don't say you weren't warned!

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Nah, just kidding, we don't feel sorry for them. Their brains are broken, but that ain't our fault.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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