South Carolina Wingnut Declares War On God-Given Freedom To Whack Off
Bill Chumley (R-Spartanburg)
What in the hell is it with wingnuts and the states they run being obsessed with forcing people to cross state lines to do things? Donald Trump says it'll be cool if Roe v. Wade is repealed, because some states will still allow 'bortion, therefore ladies can just be like ROAD TRIP! and go do 'bortion tourism. Republicans take it as gospel that everything will be better when they repeal Obamacare, because then the GOP will make it so health insurance can be sold across state lines, which will be the magic bullet that makes health care magically affordable, in a magical way. They never ever attempt to prove this theory, because their followers are idiots, and besides, they've gotten away with failing to prove their theory of trickle-down economics for four decades now.
And now, some dick Republican state legislator in South Carolina, name of Bill Chumley, has filed a bill to make sure your dick can't have any solo fun in the Palmetto State, at least not aided by the sin of online pornography. Yes, Chumley wants to ban the sale of computers in South Carolina that are even able to access porn. No, for real, he's serious, stop laughing:
People buying computers in South Carolina would be limited in their access to porn online under newly proposed legislation.
A bill pre-filed this month by state Rep. Bill Chumley would require sellers to install digital blocking capabilities on computers and other devices that access the internet to prevent the viewing of obscene content.
That's right, you won't even be able to GO to Hottest Online Bathing Suit Areas Dot XXX if you buy your computer in Columbia or Charleston, for it will have Net Nanny Jesus Morals software pre-installed. Now, of course, there would be a
reach-around work-around in the bill, were it to pass, where Apple or whoever could pay a $20 fee to jailbreak your iThing from the religious police, or you, as the consumer, could give Best Buy $20 if you prove you're old enough, and we guess the Nerd Herd guy will make your computer whack-off-compatible.
And hey, all the money they raise from selling jack-off exemptions to consumers would go to the state to help fight human trafficking (and the bill would also block websites related to prostitution or trafficking), which is nice, but it's also weird how wingnuts always yell "human trafficking!" when they want to pass a weird sex-shamey thing, the true purpose of which is obviously to stop people from watching Hot Hard Gaying. (Or straighting! Not that there's anything wrong with that!)
Do you want to pay that $20? We do not.
If you don't want to pay the $20, we guess you will just have to go to Augusta, Georgia, if you're on the western half of the state, Savannah if you're on the coast, or Charlotte, North Carolina for the rest of y'all -- really, South Carolina is tiny and you can drive across it in no time flat, especially if you're rocking a huge boner because you're so 'scited about getting your new porning computer ACROSS STATE LINES. Those places will fix you up just fine and you'll be playing pocket pool with the bishop or paging Mother Superior or whatever girls call it in no time flat.
Aight, that's all the masturbation jokes we got at the moment, so we're out.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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