Spoiler: None Of These GOP Jerkholes Are Going To Be President

Today's Republican Party

So there is a presidential election thingy, and it is a mere 15 months away, which means we all get to spend the next year(ish) talking all the words about it, hooray! We get to squint at a trillion polls, and read 10 trillion pixelated Hot Takes, and listen to eleventeen trillion "thoughts" sharted from the derp holes of television fat heads, hooray even more! We even get to spend 31 hours a day debating who gave the Koch brothers the best head, who is maybe heading to prison, who wore it best, who's up, who's down, and who the fuck is that on the debate stage? (Oh, it's Jim Gilmore. Wait, who? Some guy, don't worry about it.)

Here's a handy dandy tip from Yr Wonkette, the best political dick-joke telling analysts on the interwebs: Everyone's wrong. Probably. Or not? Who can say?! A lot can happen in 15 months, and besides, we might all be dead by then anyway, from global warming or maybe from getting eated up by the Racist Pervert Sex Dragon Thing.

But whatEVER, let's make some predictions anyway, because the Republicans had themselves some debates Thursday night, and everybody's doing it right now, and WTF FOMO YOLO why not? So here is your Wonksplainer of why none of these assholes are going to be president, maybe probably, but don't quote us on that, just in case we're wrong.

Jeb Bush

Jeb! has already demonstrated that yes, he really is as dumb as his brother, and besides, we told you the other day, he already lost the election 15 months ahead of schedule, by not just stepping on his own dick, but wedging it into a vise and hiring some body builders to tighten it extra super tight for him. He is not even as good at this as Mitt frickin' Romney, people! Who wasn't good enough to win. Might as well quit now, Jeb, and take your wife shoe shopping or something.

Chris Christie

This is his good side

Nobody likes Chris Christie. Like, no one. The voters in his own state of New Jersey can't stand him, and describing how he does sex to his wife, with slut pills, certainly won't endear him to Republicans who all secretly use slut pills too, but sure as heck don't want to admit it, fercrissake!

Ben Carson


Sure, Republicans are real proud of themselves because there's a black guy on the stage. The analysts on Fox were all, "Ooh, we like how he talks about race," because of how he doesn't talk about it, except to say that when he used to slice into people's brains, he didn't see race, just nice white people brains is all. However, we are pretty sure he musta falled down on his head sometime since his neurosurgeoning days, because he struggles hard to put the words together into sentences that sound like actual thoughts, and says dumb things like why can't Israel just be America? Even if he were to be the nominee, we think it's likely the Democratic nominee, whoever it is, even if it's Lincoln Chafee, will chew up Dr. Carson and spit him out like rotten blackmarket fetal tissue.

Scott Walker

Really? This guy? No.

Mike Huckabee

This guy sure pals around with a lot of child molesters. ’Nough said.

John Kasich

What's on the floor, Governor, your debate cheat sheet?

Who's that guy again? Oh, right, the governor of Ohio, who expanded Medicaid with Obamacare dollars, and he doesn't even want to Kill All The Gays or the Supreme Court. Maybe he should run as a Democrat instead.

Ted Cruz

He went to all the best ivies and is supposed to be the world's greatest debater IN THE WORLD, and yet, huh, nobody is saying how impressive he was in his first presidential debate, weird.

Rand Paul

This was a terrific moment from the Republican debate that basically captured how almost everyone in America feels about Sen. Rand Paul, MD: What the hell are you talking about and why are you even here? He has, like, three "libertarian" stoner supporters, and the gay math wizards tell us that's not quite enough to get elected to the White House. Oh well.

Marco Rubio

Come on, really? Mr. "I'm Not A Scientist, Man" is going to be president? Nuh uh, no he's not.

Donald Trump

LOL. Suuuuure.

Rick Perry

Yes, he got himself some smart glasses. No, they have not made him any smarter.

Bobby Jindal

During the junior debate, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal said he believes Planned Parenthood has been "caught" breaking the law. He also believes in exorcisms. Next?

Rick Santorum

He is weird and gross, doesn't like sex, was fired by double digits by the voters of his home state of Pennsylvania, and has been whining like a little bitch about how it's NOT FAIR! that he had to sit at the kids' table even though he was "runner up" in the 2012 Republican primary. "Runner up" is not actually a thing. Also, he has only one supporter in Iowa. Her name is Peggy. She probably doesn't even like him anymore either.

George Pataki

He was the RINO governor of New York one time, when it got 9/11'd. He acts like that's some sort of winning argument, but you can tell he knows he's not gonna win.

Lindsey Graham

He promised to be a great president for rich white men. And if this were the old-timey days of the 18th century, that might work for him. Alas, it's not.

Jim Gilmore

No, seriously, who?

Carly Fiorina

This is her O face

Right now, Republicans are like oooooh and ahhhhhhh because Carly Fiorina was the clear winner of the super losers' loser debate. That's like being impressed that she didn't choke on the glue she was eating. Her big pitch to Republican voters is that her vagina will neutralize Hillary Clinton's vagina, and also she once ran a once-great tech company into the ground, set it on fire, and then walked away with tens of millions of golden parachute dollars. Enjoy your love affair with her while it last, Republicans. Another 11 seconds should be enough.

Ah, but maybe we are wrong, and one of these 17 idiots is going to be the next decider-in-chief. What do we know? We're just a dick-joke-telling mommyblog recipe hub anyway.


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