Starbucks Adds 'Ensuring Racial Harmony' To Job Description Of Employees Making $10 An Hour

Starbucks Adds 'Ensuring Racial Harmony' To Job Description Of Employees Making $10 An Hour

Seemingly bored with inventingnonsensical words and perfecting the art of burnt coffee, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is attempting to tackle American race relations. What could go wrong?

Beginning on Monday, Starbucks baristas will have the option as they serve customers to hand cups on which they’ve handwritten the words “Race Together” and start a discussion about race.

“Welcome to Starbucks. Can I interest you in a Venti Mocha Glucose Foam? Or if you want to make a bunch of people wait while the two of us talk about redlining for twenty minutes, we now offer that as well.”

While Schultz won’t be on the front lines of his stores' new elevated discourse, he’s encouraging his employees to proactively "upsell" racial harmony to Starbucks customers. Because if there’s one thing that we know about caffeine-dependent Americans equipped with bluetooth headsets, it’s that they’ll enthusiastically welcome an unsolicited conversation about race.

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“Race Together,” a slogan that sounds like it could be about tolerance but more likely a group of people training for a triathlon, is a joint venture between Starbucks and the USA Today, the two companies best equipped to undo 400 years of racial strife and six years of Obama and Holder being the most racist. It's possible that skin color could be discussed using familiar synergistic labels like "vanilla," "dark roast," and "caramel flan," so as not to confuse the customers or derail all of the productive conversations in our new Coffee House Salon Chain.

As for the baristas, there's no indication that they will be compensated for taking part in this initiative. So while also having to make ends meet on low hourly wages, they are now tasked with a responsibility similar to that shouldered by the Warren Court. Godspeed and leave room for cream and indignation.



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