Guess which corporation is throwing its hat into the 2016 political thunderdome?! OHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHH, it's Starbucks, geared up and ready to take a stand ... for vague, pleading platitudes that don't involve calling anyone out by name, if you don't mind, they just think maybe we should be nice to each other and OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT THEM, THEY BLEED EASILY.


Starbucks paid a whole Venti wad of cash to take out a multi-page ad in the New York Times and Wall Street Journal on Thursday. What bold, provocative stance did Howard Schultz's sure-let's-be-generous-and-call-it-coffee/subpar muffin repository feel it was necessary to take in the most public manner possible (circa 1932)? That maybe, if it wouldn't be too much of a bother, we should possibly think about not being so mean to each other:

When you read the headlines. Or turn on the news. When you scroll through your social media feed. Or listen to the candidates. You could easily mistake America as a nation, lost. A people who have severed the common bonds that hold us together — compassion, respect, shared responsibility, a belief in service, a willingness to unite despite our differences.

When you. Aren't good at. Knowing where to end your sentences. Or knowing what commas are used for.

Also, why are we starting to suspect David Brooks is writing ad copy for Starbucks now?

Today, for just a moment, we wanted to pause and reflect. To go beyond the hatred and vitriol, and see a different story of America.

It's a story that is not bound by party affiliations, or religious beliefs. It's not dependent on living in one zip code over another. It's not left-leaning or right-leaning. It's not about your income or your wealth.

This speech was more fun when Barack Obama gave it as the 2004 DNC keynote.

It lives in our small towns, and also in our cities. In the classroom of a teacher who is fighting for the potential in every student. You see it in the volunteer who mentors youth, and in those helping America's veterans successfully transition to civilian life. And in those who work to include, rather than discriminate. You see it in the leader who invests in her community. And in the nurse who treats the elderly with dignity. This is the story we believe in.

This is not about the choice we make every four years. This is about the choices we make every single day.

"But it's also about the choice we make every four years PLEASE DEAR GOD DON'T ELECT A FASCIST, WE ARE BEGGING YOU."

Yes, if anyone had any doubts this was directed at Donald Trump and his legion of rootin', tootin', minority-punchin' followers, it should be put to rest by the other half of this ad: a full-page split with positive words on one side and negative ones on the other. The negative side includes terms like "ego," "vitriol," "exclusion," "fear," "division," and "decline," which, nope! Sure don't sound like any political candidates we're familiar with, no sir!

You might think it's a little silly of Starbucks to obviously talk about a candidate without referring to him by name, but then again, Trump supporters are dumb enough that they probably won't realize this is about him -- meaning they won't then decide to go burn an espresso machine in effigy. Also, we're pretty sure if you say his name to a mirror three times in a darkened lavatory, the Donald will appear behind you and tell you how much classier your sink would look with some gilding and how the problem with your bathroom is that your shower doesn't win any more.

Starbucks might have bigger things to worry about than Bloody Donald lately, though, as it's being sued for "negligent misrepresentation and fraud" by two customers, Siera Strumlauf and Benjamin Robles, for allegedly under-filling their lattes. As if the basic concept of the entire lawsuit couldn't get any sillier, the lawsuit also includes one frankly staggering statement:

Strumlauf was a regular buyer of the grande-sized plain and vanilla-flavored latte at her local San Francisco Starbucks. The lawsuit said that she would have not purchased the grande lattes for approximately $3.95 had she known that they were not, in fact, 16 fluid ounces.

HAHAHA YOU LYING SACKS OF ASSHOLES, YOU'D PAY FOR IT AT TWICE THE PRICE, YOU PUMPKIN-SPICE ADDICTED GOOFBUCKETS.

This has been your Wonkette Starbucks update, thank you and enjoy your weekend.

[Eater / Buzzfeed]

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