Starbucks First Corporation To Murder Christmas This Year

It's almost as if they were a business, not a church.

After a few early rumblings back in August, it's finally that most beloved time of the year, War On Christmas season! And the Most Offensive Thing in the World right now is Starbucks' red and green coffee cups. Obviously. You see, in previous years, the company's paper coffee cups in November and December "featured wintry or Christmas-themed designs like snowflakes, ornaments and nature scenes." But for 2015, in what can only be described as a deliberate rejection of Christ the Risen Lord and His Holy Nativity, the cups are a holly-jolly red with a green Starbucks logo.


While the corporate home of burnt coffee beans claims, in language no doubt crafted by the Father of Lies himself, that the design is meant to express "the simplicity and the quietness" of the winter holidays (CHRISTMAS, DAMN IT, CHRISTMAS! WHY CAN'T YOU SAY "CHRISTMAS?" IS IT BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOUR HEATHEN TONGUES WOULD BURST INTO FLAME AT YOUR BLASPHEMY?!!?), a number of the easily outraged know the whole thing is a plot to further erode the tenuous grasp that Christianity still has on the tattered remnants of Western Civilization, which lies everywhere in ruins thanks to militant secularists and probably the Jews, with their "Happy Holidays."

The Seasonal Butthurt Displays are especially inflamed in the UK, where Tory MP David Burrowes whinged to London's version of Dead Breitbart's Home for Cultural Anxiety:

“The Starbucks coffee cup change smells more of political correctness than a consumer-led change.

“The public has a common sense grasp on the reality that at Christmas time, whether you have a Christian faith or not, Britain celebrates Christmas.”

Also too, a nice lady named Andrea Williams, with a group calling itself "Christian Concern," added:

"This is a denial of historical reality and the great Christian heritage behind the American Dream that has so benefitted Starbucks.

“This also denies the hope of Jesus Christ and His story told so powerfully at this time of year."

It is not known how many cats Ms. Williams had to shunt aside to complete her statement to Breitbart, but it truly was a forceful defense of the key message of Jesus Christ, which was that red cups without any snowflakes or holly designs are very bad indeed (Rants 3:13).

It is also not known whether Christian Concern, which mostly engages in culture-war issues in the UK, ever Concerns itself with more quotidian activities like feeding the hungry, clothing the naked, or healing the sick. But they're dead set against letting Starbucks spit right in the eye of the world's Christians with these red cups, so we can at least be certain that's covered. Besides, it's not like there's still lepers or poor people out there anymore.

On our side of the pond, former pastor Joshua Feuerstein posted a Facebook video in which he bragged about telling a Starbucks barista that his name was "Merry Christmas," so the wage slave would have to write those words on the cup and say them out loud. GOTCHA, Starbucks, and paid five bucks for a cup of coffee to make you mend your ways. Feuerstein also gleefully showed that he had carried a gun into the Starbucks, in open Christian defiance of the Starbucks CEO's request that patrons please not do that. Guess he showed THEM what Christmas is really about.

[HuffPo / Breitbart / KIRO-TV]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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