The Clap (Gonorrhea), Chlamydia, Herpes, and The Pox (Syphilis). Image via Giant

Congratulations, America! With a giant festering pustule occupying the White House and getting an infectious ooze on everything he touches, America in 2018 achieved a record high number of infections from three sexually transmitted diseases, according to a new report from the US Centers For Disease Control. The CDC reports more than 2.1 million combined cases of gonorrhea, syphilis, and chlamydia! Way to go! Now that the Trump administration's gag rule on family planning funding for groups that so much as mention abortion has led Planned Parenthood to drop out of the Title X program, we can certainly look forward to a quick end to STD outbreaks, as crisis pregnancy centers take up the slack and tell people not to fuck, ever.

CBS News summarizes the numbers for you:

More than 1.75 million cases of chlamydia were reported last year, the most ever reported to the CDC, according to the report. Cases of primary and secondary syphilis — the two most infectious stages — rose 14 percent since 2017, with more than 35,000 cases. That's the most reported since 1991.

And a total of 583,405 gonorrhea cases were reported, a 63% increase since 2014 and the highest number reported in 28 years.

But you can't blame this on Trump, no sir! This is actually the fifth consecutive year that our Great American Genitals have seen an increase in STD cases, making it at all Obama's fault, although he gets no credit at all for the economic recovery that has lasted even longer, because that's just logic.

A CDC press release suggests there are "multiple factors" at work in the rising infection rates, including,

• Drug use, poverty, stigma, and unstable housing, which can reduce access to STD prevention and care

• Decreased condom use among vulnerable groups, including young people and gay and bisexual men

• Cuts to STD programs at the state and local level -- in recent years, more than half of local programs have experienced budget cuts, resulting in clinic closures, reduced screening, staff loss, and reduced patient follow-up and linkage to care services

In other words, SIN! Please ignore any of the items on that list that fail to blame dirty sinful Americans, especially the gays, for sinful, irresponsible behavior. It can't possibly be the cuts in STD programs, because everyone knows government never solves problems. Also, please ignore what happened after Texas defunded Planned Parenthood: The state's maternal mortality rate doubled. But just think how happy the "pro-life" folks were!

The CDC is especially worried about increasing rates of congenital syphilis, in which pregnant women give birth to babies already infected with the disease.

The 40 percent increase in congenital syphilis cases continues a dangerous trend seen in recent years. Although most states reported at least one case of congenital syphilis, five states – Texas, California, Florida, Arizona, and Louisiana – accounted for 70 percent of cases in the U.S.

Gee California is on that list, so let's blame socialism. In Arizona and Florida, sex ed -- when it's taught at all -- is required to emphasize abstinence, while Texas and Louisiana are pretty much abstinence-only. And even though Louisiana has some of the highest STD infection rates in the nation, attempts to introduce comprehensive sex ed have been repeatedly defeated by Jebus people, because preventing disease is less important than making sure sinners suffer.

The rise in congenital syphilis, the CDC says, "parallels increases in syphilis among women of reproductive age," and could be reduced by good public health practices, like expanded testing and prenatal care.

CDC recommends syphilis testing for all pregnant women the first time they see a healthcare provider about their pregnancy. Women who are vulnerable for acquiring or who live in high-prevalence areas should be tested again early in the third trimester and at delivery.

"There are tools available to prevent every case of congenital syphilis," said Gail Bolan, M.D., director of CDC's Division of STD Prevention. "Testing is simple and can help women to protect their babies from syphilis – a preventable disease that can have irreversible consequences."

You know who provides STD testing and prenatal care? Planned Parenthood! But Planned Parenthood murders babies, so forget funding them. As for other healthcare providers, let's not forget that the Trump administration is working on eliminating Obamacare, so women won't be burdened by socialist healthcare, either. But at least people can go to a "crisis pregnancy center" and learn that wedding rings prevent STDs.

Clearly, the answer is simple: Tell Hollywood to stop undermining family values, follow up Ed Meese's Medal of Freedom by reviving his Porn Commission, and ramp up the abstinence. It doesn't work, but it sure is popular with the red states. And by definition, only sinners, and their babies, will suffer.

[Centers for Disease Control / CBS News / New Republic / Guttmacher Institute / Image: "STD 4-pack" by Giant]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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