So you guys already know how dumb Florida is. But can you imagine how dumb Florida’s community colleges are? No you cannot. Here, have a gander:

Two Florida college students say they were forced to submit to vaginal probes as part of a medical training program and were threatened with blacklisting if they declined.

A federal lawsuit against Florida's Valencia State College claims the school would "browbeat" students who did not consent to the exams, threatening to lower their grades and blacklist them in the medical community.

As it turns out, in Florida, mandatory vaginal ultrasounds are not only for the baby-killers, but for young and nubile would-be medical workers, too. Why, it's almost like dudes are looking for an excuse to shove objects into ladies’ lady bits!

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Except that in this case, the individual seeking to shove objects into naughty parts, for science, isn’t a penis-having American at all:

The suit says that a second-year student who was nicknamed the "TransVag Queen" explained to them that students should undergo transvaginal ultrasound procedures to become better sonography technicians.[…] The students allege they had to have the procedures done regularly, including by a male student, and then by other students in the program — even though there were anatomically correct simulators on which they could practice. Students also had clinical practice at hospitals, where they performed the same procedures on actual patients.

In Other Horrifying Florida Medical News

You remember how terrified the dentist was when you were a child. Now imagine your dentist was a grade-A Florida sociopath, and enjoy those nightmares!

Going to the dentist is a rite of passage, of sorts, but what's alleged to have happened at the hands of 78-year-old Dr. Howard Schneider was not. […] The firestorm started after Brandi Motley wrote about the day she took to her 6-year-old daughter, Bri'el, to Schneider to have one tooth pulled.

On the day of surgery in December 2014, Motley said she was not allowed to sit with her daughter. […] Motley said she sat in the waiting room for three hours until the waiting turned to worrying.

"Finally, the nurse came and got me and she said there had been an incident," Brandi Motley said. "(Bri'el) was hyperventilating. She had marks all over her, blood all over her."

Angry and unable to get an clear explanation of what had happened, Motley says she and Bri'el left to rush to an emergency room. "In the parking lot, she takes her gauze out, and I notice that all of her teeth were gone," Motley said.

She said Schneider pulled seven teeth.

Oh, wait, it gets worse: “According to her mom, Bri'el said Schneider hit and choked her, so she called police - twice. Although department records indicate officers responded and according to police logs one wrote a report, Jacksonville Sheriff's office told CNN "no report was written on this incident.”

Why would they? Oh, and yes, at least one more victim has come forward with similar choking and teeth-pulling allegations.

Schneider, for his part, says he did nothing wrong, though he has quit the dentistry business. Maybe he will now go into vaginal ultrasounding, why not.

In Which We Snip the Wang

In Florida, like in other places, there are these people called intactivists who believe that the act of male circumcision amounts to genital mutilation and should not be inflicted on any young boy. In Florida, unlike other places, this debate leads to years of drawn-out court battles, jailings, and finally, a mother decided to go ahead and let her ex-partner take a whack at their 4-year-old’s dick:

A Florida woman's yearslong battle against her child's father over the boy's circumcision ended Friday with her agreeing to the procedure in exchange for her release from jail.

In a remarkable turnaround after a week behind bars for contempt and an initial hearing in which she was ordered to remain jailed, court reconvened and a sobbing Heather Hironimus signed paperwork giving approval for the 4-year-old boy's surgery, recoiling in tears and clasping her shackled hands after it was done. The shift, though under duress, threatened the hero status given to Hironimus by a bubbling movement of anti-circumcision advocates who have followed the case's every turn.

Heather and her former boyfriend had agreed to a parenting plan when they split up, and that plan called for the father to take his son to get circumcised. But Daddy didn’t do so for a couple years — YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO WAIT, DUMMY — and in the meantime Mommy was taken in by the intactivist movement. And just recently — either because a doctor told him to, or out of spite — Daddy decided to get the procedure done after all. Mommy objected, and Mommy went to jail until she acquiesced.

And Now For Some Law Enforcement Sadism!

That guy up there is no longer with us, thanks to his guards at a South Florida jail. And he bought the farm in a manner that would make North Koreans proud:

The Civil Rights Division of the U.S. Department of Justice has reportedly launched a criminal probe into allegations that a Florida inmate may have been murdered by prison officials in what the Miami Herald described as a shower that was converted into a “scalding torture chamber.”

A Miami Herald investigation determined that 50-year-old Darren Rainey, who suffered from schizophrenia, was punished by guards in 2012 after he defecated in his cell and then refused to clean up the mess.

According to the paper, prison officials rigged a locked shower with hose from a nearby janitorial closet that delivered 180-degree water. Steam from the scalding water was said to have made breathing difficult for anyone locked in the shower chamber.

Prisoners told the Herald that corrections officers — including Cornelius Thompson and Roland Clarke — mocked Rainey as he kicked on the door of the shower and pleaded to be released. After spending as long as two hours in the scalding steam, Rainey collapsed.

Just So You Know, Weed Is Not Legal Here

Florida, of course, has long been ground zero for grifters, on account of our generally poor education standards and critical-thinking skills, and also the meth. And so of course there are people here who would fall for these sorts of shenanigans, just a few months after Florida voted NOT to legalize medical weed, because we are A Idiot:

There's a law firm in Jacksonville, Florida, telling patients in bold green letters on its website that it's already legal to use marijuana as a medicine with a doctor's permission. The firm even claims clients can also grow it for themselves.

"If you or a loved one are suffering, are in need of medical cannabis or want to learn more about your rights, contact us today." the message on Health Law Services' website reads.

But lawyers, pot activists, and law enforcement officers all disagree, suggesting the firm is somewhere between a ruse and a straight-up scam. As of this month, 23 states allow for some form of marijuana usage. Florida is not one of them.

And so you get cases like the Yandells:

Scott and Marsha Yandell were growing 40 pounds of pot in a rented house in St. Augustine — but they were surprised to be arrested, because they had “patient ID cards” they thought allowed them to grow and sell weed for medical reasons. The card was issued to them by a Jacksonville company called Health Law Services, run by attorney Ian Christensen. […] Michael Minardi is a West Palm Beach attorney who in March won a landmark case that successfully used medical necessity as a defense for pot charges against his client, Jesse Teplicki. He says that medical necessity is not a slam-dunk defense and that Christensen is wrongly advising clients.

Minardi is representing the Yandells against charges of cultivation, manufacturing, and trafficking cannabis.He says they paid $700 for a doctor’s examination, medical ID cards, and a letter stating they were legally allowed to grow cannabis for medicinal purposes.

With serious drug charges looming over them, Scott was fired from his job at Verizon, while Marsha lost her job as a registered nurse. According to Minardi, the Yandells had “no motivation to jeopardize their entire lives unless they thought what they were doing was completely legal.”

They had a letter and everything, no fair!

This Week in Headlines!

Let’s begin with the obvious: Naked Florida man rescued after getting stuck on drawbridge:

A naked man who had been swimming in a South Florida river was rescued after he got stranded atop a raised drawbridge.

Witnesses said the unidentified man was walking across the railroad bridge Friday morning when it began to rise, forcing him to scamper to the top.

The height was too far for fire department ladders, so a member of the Broward Sheriff's Office rescue team climbed the remaining distance and secured the man with a rope harness. The bridge was then slowly lowered back down.

And move on to the, well, icky: Inmate dies after hiding crack pipe in privates.  In a new take on inserting objects into the baby cave:

A 31-year-old Sebring woman died a week after she was taken to a hospital to have a glass crack pipe removed from inside her body, according to the Polk County Sheriff's Office.

Deputies arrested April Rollison in Babson Park along with three other people on drug charges Dec. 16, according to the Sheriff's Office.

During a body scan at the Polk County Jail, deputies found that two items were in her vagina and took her to Bartow Regional Medical Center to have them removed.

At the hospital, Rollison asked the nurse to use the bathroom, so the deputy stepped behind a curtain, and the nurse got her a bedpan, said Scott Wilder, a Sheriff's Office spokesman. That's when deputies think Rollison, without the nurse or the deputy seeing, took a prescription pill bottle containing two grams of crack cocaine out of her vagina and ingested some of the crack rocks that were inside.

That's all for this week, Florida. Remember, keep your baby-makers clean and unsullied at all times!