TV Funnyman Stephen Colbert is understandably concerned about the emergence of Ebola in America, and by "concerned," we meanthoroughly terrified that the virus has made it from "Whocaresistan" to our golden shores. Just don't touch the fluids on the shores. “That is crap-your-pants terrifying," Colbert explains, "in that crap-your-pants is one of the symptoms of Ebola.” And remember, you can "get Ebola just by coming in contact with an infected person's bodily fluids, including 'blood, sweat, feces, vomit, semen, and spit.' So you might want to avoid the next Gathering of the Juggalos." But Colbert refuses to let propaganda get to him! "I won't be fooled into staying calm by the so-called 'experts' with their so-called 'medical degrees' and their so-called 'fingers,'" he insisted. "And neither will the 'Fox and Friends.'" Colbert then cut to a clip of Dr. Dalilah Restrepo attempting to reassure the easily-freaked-out Friends of Fox, which didn't go quite as well as it could have: She coughed while talking to the three amigos.

Did you hear that cough! Did you hear that cough?! Come on! She clearly has Ebola! And so, now so do all the "Fox and Friends!... Thank God, if we do lose one of them, thank God there’s a spare Doocy. Now, fortunately, folks, for every medical professional out there reassuring us, there’s a TV professional re-scaring us.

Clearly, it's time for radical quarantine measures, like building "a border wall around Texas." Watch and enjoy! You'll bleed laughter from every orifice!