Stephen Miller Reportedly Doing Coitus

Forget about the whistleblower story about Donald Trump probably committing literal actual treason, because there is more important news out there, and it is that unfuckable Trump sycophant mini-Hitler baldhead dork who makes "34" look like a really rough "60" Stephen Miller IS REPORTEDLY BONING A HUMAN PERSON! And this reportedly human person is ALLOWING THAT.

Truly, the very last thing we expected to learn in the news today, or any other day, was that Stephen Miller is allegedly sexually active, unless it involved pending criminal charges or a cease-and-desist letter from 4H.

The news came in a tweet from Washington Post reporter Nick Miroff, atop a story about how Mike Pence had "tapped" (get away from Stephen's lady friend, Mike!) a former DHS press spox as his new press secretary:

Dating! Stephen Miller! HE'S DOING THAT!

To be fair, Miroff does not confirm what we are all assuming is terribly and horribly true, which is that a human being is letting Stephen Miller do Penis Time with her, and may even be allowing him to build a concentration camp around her heart.

But, like ... when regular people date, they tend to fuck, unless they are some kind of screwed up Duggar jackholes who jizz themselves whenever they side-hug a little too hard. So we are just imagining that this means this Katie Waldman character is ... doing coitus with Stephen Miller.

God, we are sorry for publishing this so close to lunchtime, that's right, we take our lunch at 2:45, LIKE EVERYONE WITH A BLOGZ.

Anyway, despite how Waldman obviously has very poor taste, we can report that she appears to be a normal human woman:

What could she, who is so obviously out of Stephen Miller's league, see in him? Let's check her Twitter.

Oh. Got it.

The NBC News article in question gives a few more clues:

Waldman is an aggressive and sometimes polarizing communicator but has proven to be a loyal advocate for the Trump administration and its policies.

During her nearly two-year stint at DHS, she was given the agency's immigration portfolio and empowered to be the lead spokesperson. She consistently defended the administration's policy of "zero tolerance" that led to the separation of thousands of children from their parents after crossing the southern border.

Oh good, she likes caging babies, just like her sex-romping partner does. Bet that makes for some interesting fucktalk.

MILLER: I'm gonna deport! I'm gonna deport! I'm deporting! I'm deporting! AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

WALDMAN: Oh yeah, separate all those sperm families! IN MY VAGINA!

MILLER: Fuckin' build the wall. Fuckin' build it. AROUND MY COCK.

WALDMAN: Oh yeah baby, you want me to build it? Well here's a check from Mexico to buy some wall-building supplies. THE CHECK IS BETWEEN MY BOOBIES!

MILLER: Wow, this has been some excellent coitus. Can you spray on my fake hair now? I have to go on TV and look like a man who has intercourse.

WALDMAN: You want me to spray you? I'll spray you.

MILLER: Oh no, human girlfriend! If you say that, I will become the man with the erect penis again!

Or something.

Anyway, there is also a story going around of Waldman, when she was at the University of Florida, throwing away hundreds of school newspapers the night before a school election because a coach had written an op-ed endorsing the opponent of the person Waldman's party was supporting. So obviously she believes in democracy a whole lot too, and is an asshole.

But like ... couldn't she have found a hotter Nazi? As opposed to this thing that makes Donald Trump Jr. look like he almost sort of has a normal face but not really?

Oh well, guess not. To be fair, the Venn diagram of people who love Trump so much they can't stand it and people who are sexually attractive is two completely separate circles, so it's obviously slim pickins'.

We just hope those two crazy kids are on the condoms or the pills, or that God otherwise decides not to bless them with spawn, because that would be a BAD BABY.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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