Steve Bannon Stole Your Nana's Facebook Secrets For Cambridge Analytica, Rubbed 'Em All Over His Junk


Update on the saga of Steve Bannon and the Mercers and their dirty bribery and ratfucking company that also steals your Facebook secrets, Cambridge Analytica!

We know that in the process of CA's Russian "Doctor" Kogan-Spectre-Kogan's "experiment," whereupon he paid 270,000 Facebook cat video posters to take a "psychology assessment," the company was able to ultimately steal the Facebook secrets of 50 MILLION AMERICANS. They've been like "Oh no, we did not use that information to help Donald Trump's campaign," but, as with most things that come out of the mouths of everyone who's ever met Donald Trump, you'd best take that with a grain of salt. (According to CA whistleblower Christopher Wylie, the company has psych profiles of up to 230 MILLION AMERICANS. That includes you and your Nana.)

Regardless of whether the Trump campaign ultimately used the stolen FB data from you, your Nana, and that old gentleman down the street you've always suspected Nana is fucking (hey, she has needs too, ASSHOLE), it turns out that one mister Stephen K. Bannon, He Whose Balls Carry The Unmistakably Pungent Scent Of Gin, Battery Acid And Unrequited Feelings (Allegedly), was the one who oversaw the project to steal all your Facebook shit. He's probably hiding it in the folds of his love grundle RIGHT NOW:

Conservative strategist Stephen K. Bannon oversaw Cambridge Analytica’s early efforts to collect troves of Facebook data as part of an ambitious program to build detailed profiles of millions of American voters, a former employee of the data-science firm said Tuesday.

The 2014 effort was part of a high-tech form of voter persuasion touted by the company, which under Bannon identified and tested the power of anti-establishment messages that later would emerge as central themes in President Trump’s campaign speeches, according to Chris Wylie, who left the company at the end of that year.

Well, that's utterly unsurprising. Remember, Wylie said this was all part of Bannon's plan to destroy America with his culture war. And it turns out he was testing phrases back in 2014 that we all know very well right now in 2018:

Among the messages tested were “drain the swamp” and “deep state,” [Wylie] said.

Hey, Trump idiots! That Orange Cuck you helped Russia put in the White House? DOESN'T EVEN WRITE HIS OWN LINES. He just says shit that's been tested, by Steve Bannon, to work on idiots like you.


WaPo says CA found in its work for the 2014 midterm elections that "young, white Americans with a conservative bent" were cranky, racist little shits (bet that took some hardcore sleuthing) and used focus groups to find out if they'd respond to things like building a Messican wall to keep out the Messican rapists, and also other racism. And! And and and!

The firm also tested views of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

“The only foreign thing we tested was Putin,” [Wylie] said. “It turns out, there’s a lot of Americans who really like this idea of a really strong authoritarian leader and people were quite defensive in focus groups of Putin’s invasion of Crimea.”


Hey remember how we've been asking if Cambridge Analytica worked directly with the Russians to steal the election for Trump? We are still very much asking that! Because, though this stuff supposedly happened long before Trump was even a twinkle-drop on the end of Vladimir Putin's dick, it's very odd how Trump was able to step right into the role, isn't it? (Remember that according to THE DOSSIER Russia has been cultivating Trump as an asset for years.)

Cambridge Analytica CEO Alexander Nix was "suspended" from the company this week after Channel 4 in the British Isles released a multi-part undercover investigation into CA's illicit activities, but WaPo reports that, according to Wylie, Nix wasn't even the boss man back in the early days. That was Steve Bannon. WaPo notes, however, that it's "unclear" whether Bannon knew exactly how the Russian Dr. StrangeDick (who, it's worth noting, may have been literally used by Bannon and CA) was stealing all the Americans' Facebook secrets, but we're gonna guess he probably did, because we assume the worst about Steve Bannon at all times, like all patriotic Americans should. Regardless, Bannon signed off and said, "Yes, steal everybody's shit, because I am going to deconstruct the administrative state! IN MY PANTS!"

It's useful to remember that Cambridge Analytica is just the U.S. branch of the British company SCL Group, especially since a "new" company under a new name is suddenly emerging from CA's rubble, and weirdly it has all the same board members as CA, like Alexander Nix and Rebekah Mercer, whose heart is just BROKEN APART by this scandal and who has declared she is staying on the board of CA, because she wants to be "part of the solution," hahahahahaha go fuck yourself, Rebekah Mercer.

Know who else is a director of the "new" company? Oh just a guy named Johnson Chun Shun Ko, who is ERIK PRINCE'S BUSINESS PARTNER. You know, that Erik Prince, the Blackwater psycho who lies to Congress about his Trump-Russia conspiracy meetings in the Seychelles, whose brother-in-law Dick DeVos, traditional heterosexual matrimonial boning partner of Betsy, owns Spectrum Health, which is one of only two entities that mysterious Trump Organization server in Pennsylvania ever communicated with, the other being Alfa Bank in Russia.

All of this is totally normal. Nothing to see here, move along! Well, nothing except how Mother Jones has published a picture of Alexander Nix and the Russian ambassador to the United Kingdom, Alexander Yakovenko, taken just after Russia/WikiLeaks started dropping hacked DNC emails. Yakovenko is connected to Joseph Mifsud, the mysterious perfesser who reportedly "previewed" Russia's election fuckery to Trump campaign coffee boy George Smurf-A-Smurf-A-Derp. Mifsud is, of course, missing.

All those connections are probably nothing. Just a bunch of coincidences, just like how Donald Trump just coincidentally squeezed out out a fake "win" in the 2016 election by somehow barely crossing the finish line in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania.

You bet.

We bet Robert Mueller's office looks like Carrie Mathison's apartment on "Homeland" right now, Jesus Christ.

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[Washington Post]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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