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Mr. Sex Appeal


What a Friday News Dump! Just let those GOP fuckers try to deny Russian influence now! Oh, we are silly today. Those assholes are already out there insisting that Mueller's 37-page indictment proves there is NO COLLUSION, Trump exonerated, praise Holy White Jesus.

WHAT. EVER.

But did you feel like there was something missing yesterday? Maybe that unforgettable soupçon of ginfarts and Old Spice that trails the once and future king (there's always hope, Little Buddy!) of Dead Breitbart's Home for Compassionate Fascists And Rebekah Mercer's Money. We were just about to tell you the latest with Sir Liverspots, but then it was BREAKING MUELLER DRUDGE SIRENS O'CLOCK.

(We're apparently never going to get to report on Ms. Mercer's batshit crazy WSJ editorial where she claims to "believe in a kind and generous United States, where the hungry are fed, the sick are cared for, and the homeless are sheltered." But you should go read it yourself this weekend, because OMGLOL!)

But back to Steve Bannon, who spent OVER 20 HOURS this week getting hot and heavy with Robert Mueller, only to turn around and slap the House Intelligence Committee (HPSCI) across the face and insist he is not that kind of girl. Bannon's not the only witness to rebuff Trey Gowdy's advances -- Lewandowski and Don, Jr told him to get lost, too when he asked questions beyond your standard, Donald Trump: Great President, or Greatest President EVER? But Bannon, being in a foul odor with his fellow Republicans, is the only one that caused a bipartisan shitfit.

On January 16, he "preserved the president's right to invoke executive privilege" by refusing to answer any questions about his Trumpland adventures during the transition, his time in the White House, and even after he was fired and just gossiping on the phone for hours on end while the president devoured a sack of Big Macs. Which is NOT HOW EXECUTIVE PRIVILEGE WORKS. Even Gowdy was pissed, calling it "the most tortured analysis of executive privilege I have ever heard of."

So House Republicans issued a subpoena for Bannon's testimony and spent the past month stomping their feet shouting, TELL US OR ELSE! And Bannon spent the month using his middle finger to scratch his eyebrow and sucking up to the White House, which seems less than totally confident in Devin Nunes's ability to kneecap the investigation if Bannon spills the beans. Did the White House Counsel's Office tell Bannon he could sit at the cool kids' table again if he kept his mouth shut? Per CNN,

Steve Bannon told the House Intelligence Committee that he had been instructed by the White House to invoke executive privilege on behalf of President Donald Trump, declining to answer a wide array of key questions pertinent to the Russia investigation and prompting lawmakers to consider holding him in contempt.

GOP Rep. Mike Conaway of Texas and Democratic Rep. Adam Schiff of California said Thursday that the only questions Bannon would answer were 25 authorized by the White House. The President's former chief strategist answered "no" to all of them, they said.

The committee is weighing whether to hold Bannon in contempt. Conaway said he hasn't spoken to House Speaker Paul Ryan yet but will meet with him about the next steps.

Oh, Mike Conaway, you're such a comedian! Like Paul Ryan is going to hold a Republican witness in contempt for refusing to incriminate the president. Do you think Bannon would do this if he thought there was any real risk of getting fragged by you useless tossers in the House?

Which brings us back to the ongoing debate in the Wonkette Seekrit Chatcave as to why Bannon has been SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS when it comes to the House Intelligence Committee. Wonkette's own Evan Hurst is of the opinion that Bannon is trying to preserve his testimony for Robert Mueller. Knowing that whatever he says to Devin Nunes will immediately leak to the White House, he's "helping" the Special Counsel by pretending to cooperate with the White House, preserving his testimony for Mueller's eyes only.

Your FDF thinks not! Steve Bannon is out for Steve Bannon alone, and he's trying to make the best of a bad hand. Without Trump and that Mercer Woman, he's a non-entity. He'll surrender his ass for whatever punishment the White House wants to inflict, and he'll spout whatever nonsense version of executive privilege they ask for. It's his only chance to get back to his old life.

He won't pull that shit with the Special Counsel, though -- he's not trying to get his hard drive seized in a pre-dawn raid like Paul Manafort. But that doesn't mean he's #TeamMueller. Bannon ran the campaign and was on the board of Cambridge Analytica. If Trumpland goes down, he's going down with 'em. There is no way he's doing anything with the goal of "helping" Mueller nail Trump.

[ETA: There is no universe -- NONE! -- where Robert Mueller compromises his investigation by instructing a witness not to cooperate with a lawful Congressional inquiry. NFW!]

Only time will tell who's right. (It's me!)

Follow your FDF on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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[NBC / CNN]

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Lace up your sneakers, Wonkers! Time to hit the streets. MoveOn, the ACLU, MomsRising and all your favorite dirty leftists are getting together for a yuuuuuuuuge march to show that WE ARE A NATION OF DECENT FUCKING HUMAN BEINGS WHO DON'T KIDNAP BABIES. And your Wonkette will be there!

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Rudy Giuliani, flapping his loose yap to Politico on Monday:

President Donald Trump's attorney Rudy Giuliani said on Monday that he was actually just bluffing last week when he called for Justice Department leaders to suspend special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation within 24 hours.

"I didn't think it would," Giuliani told POLITICO with a laugh when asked about the Mueller inquiry's still being very much an active investigation. "But I still think it should be." [...]

That's what I'm supposed to do," Giuliani explained on Monday. "What am I supposed to say? That they should investigate him forever? Sorry, I'm not a sucker."

Cool, that is just Rudy Giuliani admitting he's full of shit and words and more shit and more words (and also a noun, a verb and 9/11). We are guessing therefore that Giuliani, who is a lawyer, would legally advise us to continue assuming we should take his every oral ejaculation with a gi-normous grain of FULL OF SHIT.

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