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Steven Crowder’s Attempt At An Ashley Judd Rape Joke Somehow Makes Daniel Tosh Seem Endearing

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Oh sweet merciful christ the annual khaki-ed klavern that is CPAC has finally ended and thus we can start following less disgusting displays of retrograde political insanity, like sequester budget debates or public lynchings. Sadly, however, there is one more “story” to report from this pasty-fleshed convention from hell, and it involves everyone's favorite bastard offspring of Dennis Miller and Phyllis Schlafly, the ignoble glass-jawed future Senator known asSteven Crowder. It seems as if Mr. Macho Insecurity took a dramatic break from his usual YouTubed fits of transparent homophobic rage and condescendingly idiotic articles about his perfect marriage and instead made a crack about Ashley Judd and rape, which was (not surprisingly) about as funny as a tumor:


By the way, in breaking news, Ashley Judd just tweeted that buying Apple products, again, is akin to rape. From her iPhone. Rape—now she knows how my brain felt after Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Oh, she said it. What is this obsession with Ashley Judd and rape? It's pretty unnerving.

Hilarious right! Well unfortunately for Crowder the comedy masterpiece formula "famous actress + crappy 'chick flick' = awesome rape joke opportunity" kind of doesn’t apply when the actress at the center of the joke also happens to be a rape victim herself:

I've been aware of gender violence all my life, being a survivor of gender violence....And I think part of what's important, in addition to how we shape the narrative, is that we all have the courage to talk about it, because we're as sick as our secrets and the shame keeps us in isolation.

So Crowder, star of such epic displays of thespian excellence as “Baseball boy #1” in the Velveteen Rabbit, tried and failed to diss Judd’s movie career with a crappy rape joke. IT HAPPENS. But sadly that forgivable act of derp by a nervous asshole stretching time when introducing the next speaker is somehow even grosser in context, as the “obsession with rape" that Crowder is castigating Ashley Judd for is actually the actress’ advocacy on behalf of victims of the inconceivably awful (and ongoing) civil-war-o-rape happening in East Africa.

According to Crowder, Judd’s desire to use her fame and wealth to combat a terrible human rights crisis while also doing some serious self-relection of her complicity in funding that war makes her just another dumb Hollywood slut fame whoring herself for attention. Meanwhile Crowder is speaking at a conference devoted to raising money off of rubes starving for a live action gander at Sarah Palin’s tits or the myriad other celebrities whose opinions are taken seriously solely because they happen to be both famous and hate the same groups of people despised by the conservative movement at this moment. Irony, how the fuck does it work?

[Mother Jones]

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And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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Republicans are in a pickle. Midterms are coming up and the party in the White House usually loses seats in those elections. It doesn't help their chances that their guy Donald Trump frolics through fields holding hands with self-made Russian dictator and coincidental poisoner Vladimir Putin, who our own justice department believes attacked our mostly free elections and our true national monument, the Internet.

If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

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