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Steven Seagal Is World's Foremost Expert On Freedom, Loving Vladimir Putin

News

Wonkette

March 27, 2014 11:00 AM

We know that bloated completely faded star Steven Seagal thinks of himself as a real-life action figure/spy, what with his training a vigilante posse and such. But did you know he's also a leading authority on Russia?! In Steven Seagal's mind he totally is and he loves him some Vladimir Putin, probably because they are both just so darn manly. And is that thing where Putin just strolls in and takes Crimea cool? Totally cool, says geopolitical expert Steven Seagal.

According to The Moscow Times, Mr Seagal, who is currently shooting a new film in Romania, said President Vladimir Putin's "desire to protect the Russian-speaking people of Crimea, his assets, and the Russian Black Sea military base in Sevastopol … is very reasonable."

Dude, there's folks that speak English in Germany sometimes and we have a base there, but we're not going to fucking annex Berlin, you idiot.

Wonkette

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'The Federalist' Has Deep Thoughts On Murdering Liberals. By A Doctor Of Rhetoric

Not inciting anything: He doesn't say to do it right now.

Culture

Jesse Kelly, the failed Arizona congressional candidate who thought he could take Gabby Giffords's former seat with a combination of word salad and support from white supremacists, has landed himself a sweet gig in the wingnuttosphere, where he writes columns for "The Federalist" and recently started a very dumb Youtube channel. This week, his very creative mind brings us a fantasia on America's inevitable slide into socialism, and a vow that unlike lots of sheeple, he won't go down without taking some liberal scalps. He insists he means that metaphorically, which is why he begins by a detailed description of taking a human scalp:

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