Stop! Or My Congressperson Will Shoot!

Mark Sanford is all mopey because he just lost his cushy Congress job after Donald Trump said mean things about him on Twitter. This was not the expected ending of a distinguished career, which involved lying to his constituents as governor about his whereabouts because he was conducting a clandestine affair.

He sat down with Chuck Todd's goatee on Sunday to discuss the less sexy, post-Trump-era state of affairs.

Sanford also dragged George Washington into this.

"That's a larger commentary on society and where we are. But because we've gone from George Washington, 'I can't tell a lie by cutting down the apple tree,' to they've become so replete that nobody even questions him anymore. And that's, again, a dangerous spot to be in a reason-based republic."

OK, I'm from a far less illustrious South Carolina district than the one Sanford used to represent, and even I know it was a cherry tree, not an apple tree, and more to the point, the whole thing never happened at all. I'm sure Sarah Huckabee Sanders could regale us with stories about how a young Donald Trump cut down apple groves single-handed to build his first Trump Tower. George Washington is no match for this administration's proactive myth making.

But enough about Sanford and Trump. Let's talk about the woman who was "Trump enough" to beat Sanford's pants off: Katie Arrington, whose campaign ads described her as a successful business owner and Trump supporter, which means she has at least one thing in common with the president.

Yeah, Arrington believes a former governor who cheated on his wife doesn't have what it takes to fully support a president who reportedly cheated on his (third) wife. (And all his wives.)

Up in Wisconsin, Trump looks to add another loyal supporter in Congress. State Senator Leah Vukmir is running for the Republican nomination to challenge incumbent Senator Tammy Baldwin. She released her first ad yesterday and it is bonkers.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: Who still has an answering machine in 2018? (OLD PEOPLE. And they VOTE.) Oh, and Vukmir is speaking to voters in a darkened room with a holstered handgun next to the table. This is reportedly how Richard Pryor at his coked-up paranoid nadir used to discuss script changes for his less successful movies. Now, it's how Senate hopefuls declare their candidacy. That's weird. We can all agree that's weird, right?

It's frankly more bizarre than the Brian Kemp ad from April where he cleans a rifle and points it at a kid who's "interested" in dating one of his daughters. At least the gun is acknowledged. It's not just hanging out on the table like silverware. Is there a gun course before the cheese plate or something? I'm confused and terrified. The Kemp ad is also named "Jake," after the potential victim in the ad, which is almost endearing. Vukmir's ad is called "Threatened," and it reminds me of a scene from the movie Taken. I'm afraid she's going to shoot someone in the arm and dismiss it as just a "flesh wound."

Vukmir claims to have received death threats when she backed Gov. Scott Walker's gutting of unions in 2011. If true, that sucks, and I understand why she'd worry about her safety as she seeks a more prominent role. I just worry about her somewhat lackadaisical approach to gun safety. At least the gun's not shoved against her crotch in specially designed yoga pants like that moron troll whose name I try not to mention.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."


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