Strap Yourselves In, Folks: Herschel Walker’s Gonna Explain Evolution To You
GOP Senate candidate and sometime Georgia resident Herschel Walker is skeptical of evolution. Evolution probably feels the same way about his political ambitions. Here’s what Walker said during an appearance this weekend at the Sugar Hill Church in Sugar Hill, Georgia:
“At one time, science said man came from apes. Did it not?” Walker asked Chuck Allen, lead pastor of Sugar Hill Church, during Sunday’s event.
“Every time I read or hear that, I think to myself, ‘You just didn’t read the same Bible I did,' ” Allen replied.
Walker continued: “Well, this is what’s interesting, though. If that is true, why are there still apes? Think about it.”
No, I will not “think about it.” What Walker said is not worth any of my valuable “thinking” time.
Walker’s dumbass remarks are neither insightful nor original. It’s one of the most easily debunked creationist “gotcha!” arguments. Humans and monkeys are both primates, yes, but we are not directly descended from monkeys or any primate you’d find at the zoo today. We share a common ape ancestor with chimpanzees. I think his name was Donald. That was millions of years ago and chimps and humans evolved differently from that ancestor. But modern apes aren’t humans who refused to evolve because they did their own research.
After Walker’s gibberish, Pastor Allen said, “You know, now you’re getting too smart for us, Herschel.” He shouldn’t have encouraged him because Walker continued his anti-science rant.
“And then, the conception of a baby,” Walker said. “Let me tell you, science can’t do that. They’re still trying to do it, but they can’t, because there has to be a God.”
I’ve had my share of discussions with creationists in college, and they always rejected evolution on the principle that the human body is some magnificent work of art that couldn’t possibly have occurred randomly. In fairness, they were young and probably hadn’t yet personally experienced lower back pain or farkakte knees.
Growing up in the South, it was common to hear folks scoff at evolution. My sixth grade teacher, Miss Tate, once sat in the back of the classroom and heckled a film about dinosaurs. “Yeah, right,” she muttered at one point. Man, she hated dinosaurs. She also beat Walker to the observation that there are still apes so evolution is obviously bullshit. “Do I look like an ape?” she demanded. (I later tried to explain to the principal the concept of straight lines and how they are impossible to resist.)
She’d repeat this line you often heard in church: How could anyone think that humans just happened to appear on a planet that just happened to be perfect for us? “I don’t have enough faith to believe that,” she smirked. I’d already cleaned enough erasers that week so I didn’t point out that most of the Earth is uninhabitable for humans without major assistance. It’s not as if the whole planet is San Diego. The deserts, oceans, and frozen tundras are like Earth's anti-human security system we keep trying to bypass. Thanks, God!
Walker attended the University of Georgia, sort of like how Jay Gatsby went to Oxford. His campaign has implied he graduated from UGA but he never did. It’s not as if he missed all the classes on evolution, though: Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene graduated the same year I did and she openly rejects evolution, but not nearly as much as evolution has openly rejected her. She calls it a “so-called” science, which is something idiots say.
Look, Alton Brown is a UGA graduate, so is Sally Yates, who also earned her law degree there. That more than makes up for Walker and Greene.
According to polls, Walker is almost a lock for the GOP Senate nomination. If he manages to replace Senator Raphael Warnock, that is definitely not evolution or the work of a benign God.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."