Maybe Donald Trump only respects fellow bridge & tunnel jackasses with dead wild animal pelts on their heads.

Several weeks ago, Donald Trump had a Twitter Tantrum, accusing our most recent good, intelligent president, Barack Obama, of putting "wire tapps" in all the microwaves, vibrators and telephones at Trump Tower. He did this because, well, first of all, he's real fuckin' stupid, and second of all, Trump is a totally easy mark for conspiracy theories, so when he saw discredited Fox News idiot Judge Andrew Napolitano say Obama put the "wire tapps" inside his fanny, he immediately reached up his butt with his non-Twitter hand in a desperate need to GET. THEM. OUT. (Allegedly.)

When Napolitano said, with literally no evidence, that Obama had secretly gone to the British intelligence agency GHCQ, to get the "wire tapps" illegally, Trump believed that, too, because he is a moron. (Fun fact: before it was sputtering out of Napolitano's face hole, it was a featured claim on Russian state-owned TV network RT! Because of course it was!) That bullshit claim started a bit of an international incident, when White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, for no reason except President Pussgrab Is Always Right, publicly accused the British spy agency of colluding with Obama to steal Donald Trump's secrets.

In response, Fox News was like "OH SHIT, we're just supposed to be like an entertaining racist cartoon for people who eat at Cracker Barrel a lot and think monster truck rallies are probably just like Broadway, we should not actually be RUNNING FOREIGN POLICY," so they pulled Napolitano off the air for a minute, to let things cool down.

But he's baaaaaaack! And he's saying more bullshit on Fox about how it's DEFINITELY TRUE according to his "sources" that Obama put fancy British spy "wire tapps" in Donald Trump's bottom! And you know Trump will see it on TV, because watching TV is literally all Trump does, since taking intelligence briefings is way above his pay grade.

Media Matters with the video:

HOST BILL HEMMER: ...[Y]ou put out a statement, I think it was 10 days ago --


HEMMER: Saying you were confident in the story that you reported here in the past month.


HEMMER: You still stand by that or --

NAPOLITANO: Yes, I do, and the sources stand by it. And the American public needs to know more about this rather than less because a lot of the government surveillance authorities will expire in the fall and there'll be a great debate about how much authority we want the government to have to surveil us. And the more the American public knows about this, the more informed their and Congress's decisions will be.

HEMMER: So no change then?


HEMMER: And we'll see how this story plays out, in time.

NAPOLITANO: We will. Yeah. I think a lot more is going to come.

Yep, probably on the same exact day they find the secret key that leads to the secret passageway to the secret #Pizzagate basement, where Hillary Clinton spirit cooks the children, all the while saying "Pizza pizza!" to herself, like the Little Caesars dude.

Anyway, Trump will now feel vindicated, because the Fox News idiot "judge" is mama birding this fake information back into his throat, which proves he was right, doesn't it? After all, Napolitano is a VERY RESPECTED JUDGE! That's what Trump said during his bigly embarrassing press conference with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. He's so highly respected, in fact, that Napolitano claims Trump has told him he's on the short list for a Supreme Court nomination, because Fox News dipshits really should be on the highest court in the land.

Quick fact check: Andrew Napolitano is not "highly respected." He is a 9/11 Truther who used to be a failed TV judge, just like Donald Trump is a conspiracy theorist who used to be a shitty, untalented reality TV star. Napolitano parlayed that into a career fapping his dick on Fox News, and literally NOBODY who does that for a living is "highly respected" by any well-educated person who matters.

Unfortunately, Donald Trump is an extremely poor judge of character, aptitude and intelligence, just like he's a poor businessman who has trouble communicating in his own native language. Napolitano is a lying bridge and tunnel blowhard with what appears to be a paralyzed ferret on his head, and so is Trump, therefore Trump thinks he's pretty great.

Jesus fuck, America, how did we get here?

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[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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