Sundays With The Christianists: Let's Read Some Terrible Pro-Abstinence Comics!
Don't all teens talk like this? Especially on the sidelines of a f'ball game?
Thanks to the extremely slow delivery process of an online fundagelical ministry, we have finally received a crackerjack prize we ordered back in August: a copy of the fabulous "Truth For Youth Bible," which is full of lies right from the get-go: It's not a full Bible, just a New Testament -- in the "God's Word" edition, whatever that is, -- plus a collection of perfectly terrible preachy comics in pseudo-manga style. The book appears to have been around since around 2005, judging by the online reviews we've seen, and it's a production of some evangelist goober named Tim Todd, who we'd never heard of, in partnership with the American Family Association, the nice folks who bring us Bryan Fisher, all forty-six of the One Million Moms, and other important rightwing idiocy. The book is designed for mass orders, so that your church
or synagogue can send cadres from the youth ministry off to distribute them to their friends and classmates, perhaps during Bring Your Bible To School Day.
Todd touts the TFY Bibles as a way to "counter the ill effect of the liberal agenda being promoted aggressively in America’s public schools" by getting a copy of every single one of these things to every teenager in America, which strikes us as a tad optimistic, especially if the selling point is the comics, which are powerfully bad. Happily, that gives us something to write about! This week, we'll tackle (ha-ha, that is a sportsball joke) the exciting Junior Anti-Sex League funnybook "Passes and Plays" (full version online here). It's written by Rev. Todd and Nate Butler, illustrated by someone named "Jonako," and Jesussplains why there is no such thing as "safe sex" outside the monogamomous straight-married marriage bed.
The story, such as it is, involves Marcy, a cheerleader who wants to "hook up," in the parlance of the kids today, with sportsball quarterback Skip. She is dissuaded from this sinful mission by Good Christian Youths Reggie, another f'ball player, and Teresa, a fellow cheerleader, with important factual information on sex data from "Stats," the comic's Designated Explainer, whose information on sex all comes from Focus on the Family, so you know it's true. Here's Marcy, expressing her deepest desires to Stats:
This Stats kid -- we think he's supposed to be Asian, like all smart kids -- apparently keeps some pretty pervy databases. Great future for him in the NSA, we're sure. In Truth For Youth's version of public high school, everyone talks openly about who's going to bone whom following every f'ball game, because that's just how depraved secular culture is. So we get this perfectly realistic scene of Typical Teen Dialogue:
You see, in public schools, all the kids speak fluent Double Entendre, because at home they're always watching filthy sitcoms like "Friends" instead of reading their Bibles.
Reggie and Teresa -- note how they are clean, well-spoken black kids with good morals -- try an intervention to prevent disaster. As in all Christian comics, they speak with biblical footnotes:
And yes, Reggie's 23-word utterance really does sum up both 2 Timothy 2:22 -- "Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" -- and the entirety of Romans Chapters 12 through 14, none of which really has anything to do with post-f'ball-game teen sex, but does mention God's Judgment, so we guess it applies. Teresa's more on target with her biblical slut-shaming: "Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout / is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."
The game continues, Skip tells Reggie he doesn't appreciate the Christly cock-blocking, and the conversation, as so often happens among cheerleaders at f'ball games, turns to why Marcy needs to keep herself pure. Teresa, slipping into the familiar role of the Sassy Black Girlfriend (not even Christian comix are free from the trope!), informs Marcy, "Girl -- you need to get a serious clue here -- Reggie isn't trying to come on to you -- he's trying to protect you!" From bad stuff, like "unwanted pregnancy and STD's [sic] such as AIDS!" Marcy, having no doubt been indoctrinated by the lies of secular sex-ed classes, is incredulous, since she knows that condoms protect you from all that stuff. She turns to Stats, who knows "the facts about everything," and he rattles off a line of bullshit straight from Focus on the Family:
That's some pretty good cherry-picked data! That "15% failure rate" for condoms appears to refer to the failure of people to use them correctly -- according to a Planned Parenthood fact sheet, the actual breakage rate of latex condoms is more like 2 percent. Also too, that 13% pregnancy rate among "unmarried teens" using condoms -- marriage makes condoms work better, maybe? -- is more consistent with the stats for "women whose partners use condoms inconsistently or imperfectly." in reality, the pregnancy rate when condoms are used consistently and correctly is just 2 percent.
[contextly_sidebar id="rr4t096BSNYADzZjgLJFjl8rmclm4GKS"]We also love all the scary stuff about how HPV will give you cervical cancer, considering that fundagelicals are thoroughly opposed to vaccinating against HPV, since like contraception, it will make your daughters sluts (it doesn't). Clearly, fear of disease and pregnancy are the best reasons to avoid condoms, because abstinence works so well!
Meanwhile, the f'ball game continue, and poor Skip gets hit hard and sent to the sidelines, where Stats is still spouting pure bullshit about how condoms don't work:
No, no, that's not right at all. The CDC says this dumb comic is lying:
Condom effectiveness for STD and HIV prevention has been demonstrated by both laboratory and epidemiologic studies [...]
Laboratory studies have shown that latex condoms provide an effective barrier against even the smallest STD pathogens.
Huh. You mean the comic was lying about "Major U.S. Government health agencies" saying that condoms are ineffective against STDs? Imagine that!
Finally, we get the Big Reveal from Reggie: despite all the "facts" about how if you have sex you will die, with or without a condom (so don't bother with condoms; just restrain yourself), there's a far better reason to not bone until you're safely married to another virgin:
Then Reggie explains that Jesus will take all your sins away and keep you pure, but a fabulously teary-eyed Marcy sniffles, "I can see I was wrong! But it's too late for me now! I've already been sleeping around!" No problem, says Reggie! God will help her stop it with all the sportsball-player-fucking and give her another chance! And in fact, she only needs one simple guide to stay on the right track!
But Reggie! That only contains the New Testament! How is Marcy supposed to know that she can't do homosexxing with the other cheerleaders anymore, or that she needs to stone rebellious youth to death if she doesn't also have Leviticus and Deuteronomy, too? No matter; everybody gets Jesus in the last panel, where Reggie exhorts Marcy and another f'ball player, "You couldn't make any better choice than to be "receivers" of the Lord Jesus Christ!" and Teresa chimes in, "Yeah! It's the only "Conversion" that always wins the game! Let's pray!" Did you see how they cleverly slipped some sportsball puns in there, only now instead of being about sex, they're about serving Jebus?
And then, as the entire team and cheer squad falls to its knees on the sidelines, we have to assume that the team forfeits the game because there aren't any players on the field.
We bet this comic is a "big hit" with the teens, since it uses that "manga" style of comics they are all into these days. Next time, we'll hit you with the series' very important warning about pornography. Spoiler: God don't like it!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.