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Look what we have here. It's some actual science about abortions! We know how actual science can be hard for boy brains to comprehend, so we'll try to speak slowly, with itty bitty Jeb Bush-sized words, so you fellas can keep up.

So. Abortion is the worst thing ever, in the whole universe, right? (Wrong, but play along, won't you?) It causes mental illness and boobies cancer and, even worse -- yes, worse than cancer -- SO MUCH REGRET. And that is why it should be banned entirely, or at least heavily restricted (and then banned entirely), to protect women from the irreversible tragedy of later realizing they wish they hadn't terminated that pregnancy after all. Except not exactly. In fact, not at all:

According to a new study that tracked hundreds of women who had abortions, more than 95 percent of participants reported that ending a pregnancy was the right decision for them. Feelings of relief outweighed any negative emotions, even three years after the procedure.

We know what you're thinking. It is UNPOSSIBLE that almost every single Lady-American who's had an abortion is like, "Whew, glad I did that," instead of sobbing into her pillow and begging Jesus to forgive her. Why else would states like Arizona and Arkansas pass laws requiring doctors to advise patients that it "may be possible" to reverse an abortion (even though it's not)? All those women who regret their abortions five minutes after leaving the clinic need to know they might be able to hop in the Pro-Life Hot Tub Time Machine and put that baby back up in there.

Let us not forget all those states, like North Carolina, just looking out for the silly dumb broads who don't understand that having an abortion means they will not be pregnant anymore, so they need to wait for 24 hours or 72 hours or nine months, because if they just go home and think about it for a while, they will undoubtedly realize that abortion isn't right for them after all.

And let us never, EVER forget that time the Supreme Court upheld the "Partial Birth Abortion" Ban because, according to Justice Anthony Kennedy:

While we find no reliable data to measure the phenomenon, it seems unexceptionable to conclude some women come to regret their choice to abort the infant life they once created and sustained.

Hmmm. Looks like we finally have some reliable data, and that data says the Supreme Court was wrong as fuck, just like all the other "pro-life" legislators who insist women should not be allowed to have abortions because of how they will all have the sads about it eventually. (Plus maybe the boobies cancer.) Wrong, false, incorrect, bullshit, and WRONG.

Of course, those legislators and judges and preachy wingnuts would know that chicks are just fine and dandy with their abortions if they'd bother to talk to chicks who've had abortions, but why do that when it's so much easier to conclude, without any reliable data, that abortion hurts men's feelings right in their penises, so it must MUST!!! do the same to ladies, in their lady penises. Who understands women better than men, right? That, plus the entire 5 percent of women who do have regrets all attend these guys' churches and say, "Yessir, now that you mention it, I do regret my abortion just like you said," so what more proof do they need?

We are not A Idiot enough to believe this data will cause anyone who wants to protect the ladies from their own decisions to reconsider the necessity of doing that, on account of how the ladies who make those decisions are perfectly OK with it, thanks. After all, even if women who choose to terminate pregnancies are relieved to have done so, what about all the men who regret their abortions? No reliable data on that yet, so we might as well keep abortion out of reach for men, at least for now. Wouldn't want them to get the sads or cancer in their boobies, or hurt our lady feelings in our lady penises.

[Think Progress]

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