How beautiful you are, my love, how very beautiful! Your eyes are doves behind your veil. Your hair is like a flock of goats, moving down the slopes of Gilead. Your teeth are like a flock of shorn ewes that have come up from the washing, all of which bear twins, and not one among them is bereaved. Your lips are like a crimson thread, and your mouth is lovely. Your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate behind your veil. Your neck is like the tower of David, built in courses; on it hang a thousand bucklers, all of them shields of warriors. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle, that feed among the lilies. Until the day breathes and the shadows flee, I will hasten to the mountain of myrrh and the hill of frankincense. You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you. (Song of Solomon 4: 1-7)

There was a FIGHT in Congress this week, and not just about whether to open debate on the John McCain "I've Got Mine Whereas You Are A Trollop Cunt" Healthcare Act Of 2017! It was related to that, though. The other day, Republican Rep. Blake Farenthold of Texas, who is like Louie Gohmert without the dripping sex appeal or good brain, went on some wingnut radio show and proposed his Second Amendment solution for dumb liberal Republican congressladies from the "Northeast" like Susan Collins (Maine! That's Northeast!) and Lisa Murkowski (Alaska! That's not!) and Shelley Moore Capito (West Virginia! Not neither!) who might not do the bidding of Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell and blindly vote to surgically remove healthcare from millions of Americans. (Collins and Murkowski indeed did not! Capito did, and she needs to go sit down and think about what she did.) He said if they were big strong South Texas menfolk like him, he'd like to go outside and settle it "Aaron Burr-style," like PEW PEW PEW. Of course, Farenthold would lose that duel probably, especially if a young redheaded lady walked by, because he would have a wet dream everywhere and forget to shoot his gun entirely, ALLEGEDLY.

So that was funny. And Susan Collins thought so too! She was #CaughtOnTape chit-chatting with her fellow Northeastern Liberal Lady Senator Jack Reed (Democrat man of Rhode Island), having a good LOL about how gross Blake Farenthold is. It comes at the end of this clip, after Collins and Reed talk shit about how Donald Trump is a crazy know-nothing dumbass:

COLLINS: Did you see the one who challenged me to a duel?

REED: I know. Trust me. You know why he challenged you to a duel? Because you could beat the SHIT out of him.

COLLINS: LOLOLOLOLOL! [muffled] Well, he's huge. And I don't mean to be unkind, but he's so unattractive it's unbelievable. Did you see the picture of him in his pajamas next to this ... Playboy bunny?


Anyway, this conversation is real and wonderful and beautiful and true in all ways, and we are glad Susan Collins has such a good relationship with DEMOCRAT Jack Reed that she can talk shit about gross REPUBLICANS like Blake Farenthold and Donald Trump with him. Maybe Collins should just help America find a way out of its misery by becoming a DEMOCRAT. Bring Murkowski along too and make the Senate an even Fitty-Fitty!

Of course, Collins is very sorry for saying this getting caught saying something so obviously true:

“Neither weapons nor inappropriate words are the right way to resolve legislative disputes,” Collins said in a statement. “I received a handwritten apology from Rep. Farenthold late this morning. I accept his apology, and I offer him mine.”

A spokesman for Reed said the senator “was just letting Sen. Collins know he’s in her corner.”

Uh huh OK fine whatever. Apologize for being so awesome and saying true things about how Pervy McBadJammies is simply too GROSS to go around challenging smart ladies to duels. Whatever you have to do.

Pffffffft, "civility."

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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