Do you possess a small child? Do you wish your small child would color things to develop hand-eye coordination and patience or whatever it is that kids are supposed to learn from coloring? So maybe you'll buy the little tot that brain coloring book or a Barbie book or something.

Unless you're a weird demagogue of a parent, in which case you'll buy little Johnnie or Joanie the Tea Party Coloring Book, because it is never too young to start indoctrinating. And if Wayne Bell, the publisher of these childhood classics, has his way, you'll soon have your schools ramming this down kids throats as well.

"Our products are very accurate and very pure. We want to be included in the daily lives of children across America," says Bell, who tells Daily RFT he's petitioning the Missouri Department of Education to include his books as standard texts in official school curricula.

It's not just Missouri that Bell is trying to convince: He's sent boxes of coloring books to all 50 states' Departments of Education, the U.S. Department of Education and, according to a press release, the ACLU, the Anti-Defamation League, the Council on American-Islamic Relations and other civil rights groups.

Are there generally coloring books in official school curricula? We could look that up, but nah.

We'd like to say that we don't really think there's a shot that these books would make it into any schools, but then we remember that there is Texas and they've probably already commissioned a hagiographic George W. Bush book that is just 48 pages of his bulging crotch in full airman gear and the "Mission Accomplished" banner, so we shouldn't be blithe about this possibility.

Hey now hey now, says dude that publishes these books, which include the classic Ted Cruz coloring book. He's bipartisan or bicoastal or bisexual or a biped or he's something that covers more than one side.

Last year, RBCB put out Being Gay Is Okay, which contains a page of "Fabulous Gay Sharing Cards" and full page spread of a Westboro Baptist Church member holding a "God hates fags" sign.

While we'd be pretty het up to get some of those fab gay trading cards, we're not sure we want to have to color in a centerfold of Fred Phelps to do it. Also, we're not sure how it tells gay kids they're ok if your big centerpiece is some people that really really hate the gays.

His other coloring books sound just as weird, to be honest.

In the first 9/11-themed book, kids can color in the bullet shot by a U.S. soldier at Osama Bin Laden, while the Dzhokhar Tsarnaev coloring book includes a message to "the Muslim community at large" demanding Imams establish a holiday of remembrance for victims of "Radical Islamic Jihad," among others things.

It's really never too early to have an opportunity to discuss kill shots and jihad with your little ones, now is it? And these coloring books will make those difficult conversations so much easier. Lucky!

[St. Louis Riverfront Times/

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