Teabagger Fornicator Writes Million Words About Jesus, No Words About Resigning
Clarification: We don't really think Rep. Gamrat is a 1940s Messican lady
Hey, guys, just in case you spent your whole weekend worrying whether Michigan state Rep. Todd Courser -- the teabagger who had an affair with fellow teabagging legislator Cindy Gamrat and then plotted to cover it up with a fake smear campaign against himself that he did gay sex stuff with a gay hooker -- had said anything new and dumb, guess what. You're in luck! Saturday, he posted an insufferably long Facebook post to explain that while he is in fact a despicable sinner, so are we all, and he wants to make it absolutely clear that his sin does not reflect badly on God or Jesus, for those who thought he'd made God look bad by association.
How momentous does Courser think his small, squalid little bit of adultery is? Pretty darn world-shattering, as a matter of fact:
it is nothing short of a massive earthquake for me and my family and those who have supported me and even to those who hate me; thru this a series of common themes have emerged and many will take days weeks months and generations to see the full fruit of, but one that is clear is that I am now the poster boy for those who would say “God is dead," or “ Christians are failures," or “Christians are hypocrites."
Todd would like to make clear that putting his peener into a co-worker -- while it IS a tragedy that will ring down through the generations -- should not be seen as a blemish on the great institution of Christianity, OK? It only proves that he is a sinner, like the rest of us. It is NOT evidence that God is dead! So stop saying that, all of you who have been mostly saying "this guy is a wackaloon." Your incessant slurs on Christianity are unfounded!
But you know what? It's all OK, because Jesus still loves Todd Courser, no matter how much Todd Courser has suffered at the hands of mean atheists and haters:
This sin in my life has been and will continue to reap its reward. In all of this many have commented publicly and have enjoyed the spectacle of watching a man burn and have reveled in the joy it has brought in themselves, but all of this has also brought so many who have been absolutely encouraging and supportive.
You see, Todd has gotten a whole lot of messages from other men -- yes, men; he apparently hasn't heard from any women in this situation -- who betrayed their marital vows and yet bravely went on with their lives, even though they had put their John Thomases into the warm soft velvety netherparts of women to whom they had not been joined by God. And it is a special fellowship of sinners who have come forward to confess to Todd Courser that they, too, have done the dirty outside the marriage bed. And it makes Todd feel most glad that his sin has led to some solace for these otherwise good men, who are all dirty dirty sinners and who shared with him their private shame:
Just having heard their stories has been some of the most humbling experiences of my life; with several have come forward to share their pain for participating in/and addicted to pornography and what that has wrought in themselves and their families.
Given the malevolent, nation-spanning influence of the racist pervert sex dragon thing, we bet that a lot of them even defied God's commandment to be be fruitful and multiply by making sure their own personal Jezebels used contraceptives. Call them the Fellowship of the Nuva-Ring.
Some men even came forward to "express their guilt and shame for being faith filled but struggling with how to reconcile that with having homosexual tendencies and trying to reconcile that with their faith" (not to mention their tendency to write both repetitively and repetitiously). Courser didn't mention whether any of these gentlemen offered to help him make his fictional gaysexxing sexcapades a reality, because at this point, he may as well.
But out of all of this sin, this GENERATION-SPANNING SIN, perhaps some good can come, and that is the hope that some will come to, and even on, Jesus Christ the Lord. Maybe that was Jesus's plan for Todd Courser all along, yeah, that's the ticket. Who's to say that all those blackmail messages that forced Courser to make up his gaysex scandal were actually sent by God, that people might learn from Todd Courser's fall and ultimate triumph as a soldier of the Lord, which hasn't happened yet but certainly will, because Todd Courser is NOT going to resign, which is what the Devil wants.
Todd Courser has been humbled. He is strong in his faith, though. How strong? Strong enough that, a couple days before he posted this incredibly long rant about how low he's been brought, he also managed to tell another of his Facebook critics that he was really tight with God, and was in fact "the biggest Christian" in the whole world:
So he's still kind of working on the humility part, we guess.
[Todd Courser on Facebook]
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.