Bitcoin Dipsh*t Will Make Phoning Great Again With Buggy Chinese Handset
Hosanna! The days of enslavement to the evil tech overlords are over, thanks to Erik Finman, a dipshit kid who struck it rich with a well-timed Bitcoin investment and is now the tip-frosted dreamboat savior we've all been waiting for. And who says all heroes wear capes!
But seriously, people, just look at this doofus.
Today I'm announcing the Freedom Phone. This is the first major pushback on the Big Tech companies that attacked… https://t.co/VOiKYwliGR— ERIK FINMAN (@ERIK FINMAN)1626275591.0
Erik "made it in Silicon Valley" and he's "accomplished a lot in his life already." Won't you help him bring his innovative MAGA phone to the masses and maybe lose his virginity along the way? Just click on over to his website and hand over $500, and come August, you, too, will be the proud owner of ... something.
The website is full of what should be hyperlinks but are not. Want to know about the Freedom Phone's "Uncensorable App Store"? Its "Free-Speech First Operating System"? Or how the phone allows you to "Say Hello to Trust"? Well, click here and ... nothing. Even the drop down menu just refreshes the page so the giant flag starts waving again. In fact, the only links that work are the ones inviting you to hand over your cash.
Sure, five hundred dollars may seem a bit steep for a device with no available specs. But take Erik's word for it — this phone will make phoning great again. You'll be calling up all your pals to chat for hours, just like the old days when men were men and we called up the internet on a 56K modem.
"For the tech savvy: Our operating system on the phone is our own blend of AOSP, LineageOS, GrapheneOS, and our personal development as well. Our tech is a custom model of phone with parts from all over the world, but the phone is not manufactured in mainland China," he tweeted, adding that he'd hoped to make the device in God's Own America, "But we found a horrible truth: The United States at scale is not capable of making a phone."
But fear not, patriots, he's found a manufacturer in Not China to do the job: "We ended up finding an incredible manufacturer with the free and freedom loving people of Hong Kong. Where my design team and them worked to make a spectacular phone - with better internals than they've used on a phone before."
Ummmm. Never mind.
It didn't take long for the "tech savvy" to work out that this piece of crap is a low-end Chinese phone gussied up with a MAGA logo and pre-loaded with apps like Parler and Newsmax.
"Based on photographs from the company website a number of Internet sleuths identified that the device has the same form-factor, shape, and appearance of a Umidigi A9 Pro," said [Matthew Hickey, the co-founder of Hacker House], via email. "This device is a drop-shipped customizable Android-based phone that can be ordered from ASIAPAC region and customized to a project's requirements," he said, clarifying that such devices can be "bought and shipped in bulk with custom logos and branding so as to give the appearance of a phone that has been designed for a unique purpose but is actually just a common cheap Android-based smartphone with core components produced in Taiwan and the surrounding areas." It's also very cheap: the A9 Pro is currently available for about $120, much less than the Freedom Phone's $500.
Because nothing says stickin' it to the tech overlords like an Android cell phone. Particularly one with a CPU known for "a wide number of insecure configurations and are prone to trivial vulnerabilities that allows anyone with physical possession of such a device to read/write the data on the phone through its early bootloader," as Hickey told Gizmodo, noting that the phone is popular in North Korea because it allows authorities to easily take over the back end.
But who cares about all that when you can tell the libs in Silicon Valley to get bent.
"I'm holding a freaking phone that is not controlled by Apple or Google," Candace Owens crowed in an Instagram post in which she exhorted her followers to "Use code CANDACE for 10% of [sic] your new Freedom Android." Perhaps Ms. Owens should ask Conservapedia or whatever weirdass search engine lives on her new device who owns the Android OS.
Looks like Candace Owens is getting a lot of use out of her Freedom Phone. https://t.co/80yfZTqCSQ— Will Sommer (@Will Sommer)1626442455.0
And, of course ...
freedom phone founder uses an iphone to defend the freedom phone https://t.co/KVtX7T5kmx— Zachary Petrizzo (@Zachary Petrizzo)1626459009.0
"Whether you are a large network, content site, social media influencer or blogger, we have simple linking tools to meet your advertising needs and help you monetize," it promises, without feeling the need to finish the sentence with a direct object to let you know exactly who or what is getting exploited here. Suck it, Zuck!
Early monetizers include Owens and other MAGA luminaries including Roger Stone, Dinesh D'Souza, insurrection organizer Ali Alexander, Pizzagate loon Jack Posobiec, Ukrainium One flogger John Solomon, and Students for Trump cofounder Ryan Fournier. Pick your favorite and order now! Or if you can't choose which superstar to hand $50 bucks to, buy seven phones and give 'em away as Christmas presents. Because how better to tell your loved ones that you care than by dropping $3,500 on a buggy piece of crap with a flag painted on it?
Collect 'em all, and make grifting great again.
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Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.